In Te Domine

For Fellow Star Wars Fans

2010-08-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

When the Star Wars action figures meet up with the old school Fischer price doll house toys and my three year old girl.

Reminder and reality

2010-02-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

Then I got to remember that my husband is awesome and therefore I am now okay. Pulling me up out of my weepy self and totally normalizing the situation he helped me recover fully. Because although one part of my brain knew a ticket wasn't a big deal some other part of my brain started firing off bad signals not necessarily even related to the situation at hand and then sometimes I get stuck in a negative feedback loop.It's like a trigger. It's good to have a helping hand. We will pay the fine and move on. And still enjoy our dresses.

Reminders or What the officer doesn't know

2010-02-22T17:59:00.000-08:00

I must remind myself that when that officer gave me a $75 citation for accidentally speeding that he didn't know that I had just kept my girls out late and spent 3 hours comparison shopping to save $40 on baptismal dresses. I have to remind myself that that officer doesn't know he will trigger in me an episode of unpredictable proportions which will result in hours of crying and then possibly days of fighting off the very bad thing.

I have to remind myself that it is me and not the officer who is responsible for the 2 insane screaming outbursts at my children when we arrive home. I have to remind myself that I kept my children out late right up to the edge of reason. I have to remind myself that the officer didn't know I was getting them home just before meltdown set in. He didn't know my three year old was going to completely break down in 3,2,1....

I have to remind myself that I was speeding even if I didn't realize it. I have to remind myself that I am responsible for my reactions even when they spiral out of control and off the wall from chemicals in my brain and gut which form a tornado of emotion which makes it hard for me to choose a different response....but choose I must...or I'm just stuck here lookin' at my yellow paper with no plan to get up.

See the sunshine in her soul

2010-01-07T20:16:00.000-08:00

Magpie has a love of all things bright, shiny and new. She loves new stories, new things, new people, new places. There is however one thing, or rather one person quite old that she loves...

Great Grammy

Indeed Magpie seems to have a special place in her heart for older (*ehem*old) people. She knows there is something special about anyone resembling a grandma or a grandpa and something even more extraordinary about a GREAT grandma or grandpa. This may be a trait in many children...my nephew thinks the closer you are to 100 the better because that is an awesomely big number. It surprises me at times though because Magpie is so on the move and constantly demanding so much energetic attention. With true delight she crawls up into our friends' grandparents laps, takes elderly people at church by the hand and invites them to our home. So, when she got to spend time with her very own Great Grandmother imagine her delight. My grandmother was likewise delighted to be the apple of someone's eye at age 87.

She's a rainbow...

2010-01-05T18:29:00.000-08:00

and she loves the peaceful life

Our newly turned three year old was loved on thoroughly last week at my mom's by our extended family. About every five minutes one of her older cousins would look at her and say, "She is so cute!" My sentiments exactly. She thoroughly enjoyed every moment of our family togetherness.Her heart was clearly full to bursting with love for our family, but she also needed many reassuring cuddles and snuggles from me. She would whisper to me, "I want to go home 'cause there's too many peoples here." Or, "I miss my home. I don't want to live here forever."

Sometimes raising my little Clementine is feels like getting a chance to parent myself. She generally shy, but is a total goof ball when she is relaxed and comfortable. She is a sensitive sweetheart that loves everyone, she digs her feet in when she doesn't get her way and she almost totally shuts down when she's overwhelmed. Her heart is big and when she is happy she is very very happy and when she is sad she is very very sad, when she is angry she is very very angry. She feels everything strongly, deeply--like me.

There is no place I would have rather been then with my mom and sisters last week, but I too had moment of feeling like there were too many peoples there. All people that I love though and as an adult I now know how to manage my need for quiet, introverted moments or even put those moments on hold temporarily for other kinds of nourishment. Clementine is just still very little and does not yet know how to balance those things. Getting her to take a quiet rests or a naps was nearly impossible that week, but she needed them and they clearly brought her relief.

I am so totally different from Magpie and my hubby that it is nice to have a familiar face around here. I definitely have insight into Clementine's inner workings, but will that make it easier to parent her? Or harder? I don't want to assume or put things are her that are really my issues, but I do want to use the insight I've gained about myself to help her navigate and move past the places she gets stuck. I often feel like I am just learning how to get around here myself so how will I help her find her way?

I intentionally remind myself that regardless of our similarities she is different and her life is different too and I must also step back just enough to let her flourish...especially during this year of 3 which is like adolescence only smaller and possibly more neurotic.

I am thankful for my husband who seems to bring out just the right mix of brave, goofy and a touch of suck it up in all of us. I am thankful that Clementine will not endure the stares of strangers and hushed whispers of other children like I did at her age. My hope is that my shy girl will discover more safe places & people in the world to be herself and to grow into herself then I did when I was that little. I think being surrounded by too many peoples that all love her is a good place to start.

Nicknames

2010-01-05T17:30:00.000-08:00

I am finally updating or changing my girls nicknames on the blog. They have been outgrowing their baby nicknames Peanut and Sweetpea---names we affectionately still call them, but Peanut has a new nickname around here and it suits her so well I'll be using it on the blog now too. I'll refer to her as Magpie from now on.

And my Sweetpea, although this still captures her, it doesn't do justice to her other nickname and true middle name which I'll be using...Clementine.

700 miles and back again

2010-01-03T13:01:00.000-08:00

Lessons from Chicago to Rochester

The way there is always easier.
A big girl booster means I have helper--well, half a helper.
My kids can really "hold it."
Wiper blades can be found at the gas station, but not necessarily the right size.
Ohio is a wasteland for rest areas, except for exit 100. It's like some kind of rest area Taj Mahal.
Cleveland wakes my children up.
Spending $10 on toys or coloring stuff that is new is worth it for the car ride.
There is going to be snow when you drive in December and January.
My husband and I always miss our exit if we talk.
M&Ms trailmix in the dark is like a treat, a snack and a game.
Sometimes the under 3 toy in a kids meal is cooler.
And as my 10 year old nephew says, "that last half hour is really hard."

Year End Self Evaluation

2009-12-01T18:42:00.000-08:00

Name: Heather
Department:Intedomine Household
Title: Co-Supervisor (Mother)
Date:12/1/09

1.What do you consider to be the top three to five priorities of your job as you understand them?

Feed & clothe all department members. Mentor and give selflessly to the younger department members. Keep the walkways clear. Stock the department with salty snacks and cookies.

2.What do you see as your greatest accomplishments or successful efforts over this past year?

I moved our department from being one dependent on diapers to being a diaper free environment. This saved us an average of $60 per month and several extra loads of laundry per week. I instituted a new form of discipline and "credit system" which has resulted in greater unity of purpose in the department and quicker conflict resolution. Whining has been reduced by 6%.

3.What factors, environmental or otherwise, impacted your job or your ability to perform your job during the last year?

My Co-Supervisor has been occupied with career development training which has left me to shoulder the burden of responsibility within the department. The work load is really meant to be carried by more then one individual. There have been times that I forgot to restock the cashews and clear the walkways. Also, perpetually mentoring and training younger department members alone became more taxing as the year wore on since I was not given opportunity for study leave or much PTO.

4.Complete the following sentence. I believe that my greatest contribution to the department is: the way I continually show up, day after day. Even when younger department members walk out on meetings I perservere. My committment to this department and company remains strong.

5.In what area or areas would you like to gain more experience, training or education?

I sometimes think the younger staff in my department do not respect my authority as they should. I desire to recieve training in leadership, influence and motivation.

6.What activities, classes or trainings have you participated in over the last review period in order to develop yourself professionally?

I have researched many mommy blogs and done some interesting reading into ADHD, discipline and creative parenting. As I said I was not given much PTO or study leave this year.

7.What could you do to perform your job duties and assigned tasks more efficiently?

Organization is always a weekness of mine. For a while I kept up with meal plans and small activity plans and structured cleaning times. Then as the year went on I lost that focus. I could benefit from an assistant or at least a company provided PDA. This would really enhance my ability to supervise operations more efficiently. Meanwhile, I need to refocus on planning ahead and getting to bed earlier.

8.What can your supervisor or co-workers do to assist you in becoming more efficient?

My team members could take more responsibility for organization, keeping walkways clear and other daily tasks like playing with toys. It is most frustrating when they ask me to play with their toys for them. My co-supervisor, while having little time to devote to internal operations could run important discipline meetings and pick up the salty snacks more often.This would free me to focus on other tasks.

Also, my co-workers and co-supervisor all too often speak out of turn or at the same time in meetings or leave their work stations perpetually interupting work I may be trying to complete. Fewer interruptions would increase my efficiency.

9.Please complete the following. I believe my goals and objectives for the coming year should be:

to move away from wiping butts and noses by the end of next calendar year. I realize there may be times when this duty continues to be necessary to the job, but my goal is that the young department members will take on more of these responsibilities themselves.

10.What other comments or suggestions would you like to offer?

My C0-Supervisor offers good moral support to me, but perhaps while he is on his study leave the company could bring in an intern to alleviate the heavy workload. There are time when I simply can not get it all done. This is proving to be very taxing on all members of the team which is not good for the company as a whole.

Wanna Play? TAG! Your it! Leave me a link so I can read yours too! One rule though--don't take this or yourself too seriously. :) Have fun...

Loosing control

2009-11-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

I almost lost control of my car today. I was trying to switch to the right lane and I couldn't stear. The wheel fought back. It felt like we were stuck in something or even more like we were on something. The wheels made a strange whirring sound and then it sounded almost like I had a flat tire. I pulled into the gas station that was providentially just on my left. I was able to make that turn. I pulled into the station and stopped the car, got out and took a look. I saw nothing wrong, but what do I know anyway. I got back in and yelled at the innocent children who were demanding lunch and no no no! naps at home. The irrelavant demands ticked me off. I started the car again and drove around the gas station. I could only make left turns. Strangers stared as I clunked slowly and noisily around and around. Then the break peddle dropped under my feet. I coasted into an thankfully uphill parking spot and pulled the emergency break. Loosing the breaks wasn't too dramatic--thankfully.

I put stories on for the littles and called AAA and my husband and my photographer in that order. I was supposed to meet our friend for a photo session later that afternoon. Instead we were going to be getting a ride in a tow truck unless my husband could make it back out from Chicago before the tow truck got us. I cried at the woman at the AAA call center about my cranky hungry children who probably needed to pee and who are to little for me to walk all the way back home if I can't get a ride. I'm sorry AAA call center woman. Forty five minutes, 8 stories and one package of emergency cookies later the tow truck arrived and so did my husband.We are all safe at home now resting and waiting for the call from the mechanic.

This is not what I needed this week. It's the end of a very long two weeks of being on my own with the children. J's classes have been Tues, Thurs, Fri and Saturday the past two weeks. I know I am clunking around the house these days. I can't turn things around. I didn't loose my breaks on a hill...the peddle has just slowly dropped out from under my feet as I've been idling around. But this feeling has become normal and comfortable to me. Not comfortable like cozy pajamas, more like that constant ache in your shoulders that you forget is there until someone gives them a squeeze. This is just what living with depression sometimes feels like. I know what I have to do only getting there seems too far to walk especially with little people hanging on me all day. But J's school break is only a few weeks away now...we will make it with some divine providence and emergency cookies...

October

2009-10-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

Fall is here. It's the beginning of the season I get what my mentor calls, "the seasons." In high school and college this manifested as uncontrollable weeping, having the blues, falling asleep at the dinner table, hiding in my room making art, insomnia, low energy and general malaise. Okay, this may even have lasted somewhat past college. It's the time when my normal depression levels up with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

As an adult now my depression is managed with good medical care, good friendships, professional counseling, fish oil, antidepressants, full spectrum light bulbs, vitamin D supplements, exercise and massage therapy. The truth is though that clinical depression isn't something that just goes away.

It lingers in the back of my mind. It lurks waiting for me to let get a hold of me for even a moment. If it starts there may be no turning back like flood waters bursting over a levy. So I have to keep the defences high, but there's this fine line for me; I do not like to pretend everything is fine when it is not. Yet, I have to train myself to look up, to see the silver lining and all the proverbial sunshine I can find. One thing depression has taught me--my hope is not found in myself. I can try and try to stay positive and eventually the other shoe comes crashing down on my head.

These days the shoe unfortunately bounces of my head and thunks down onto two smaller people before hitting the floor where I promptly try to shove it into a closet before they notice. That doesn't always work. Sometimes that closet door just won't shut in time and they get ahold of the shoe. Sometimes I slam the closet door shut too quickly and it bounces back open and smacks me in the face resulting in an untimely outburst which I hope my neighbors don't hear through the window. Outbursts I pray my children don't remember when they are 10 or 15 or 20. But, I'll be saving up for counseling for them just incase. They are safe with me, except I worry about those little hearts staring out at me through Big blue eyes. About the wounds I inflict without really knowing that I'm doing it. Or the ones that I am slowly scratching into them, wearing down the soft spots over the years.

So far this season has not been too bad, but it has been so cold & wet that we are already more house bound then I would like. I have already found myself on the edge of despairing feelings about what the winter will hold. If I am already wearing two pairs of socks, leg warmers, two shirts and a sweatshirt what will I do in February to stay warm? The lack of sunshine has me plugging in my full spectrum lightbulbs around the house. The children applauded this. Literally rose to their feet and shouted, "Yay mommy! Blue lightbulbs!" There really is nothing like a standing ovation to boost your mood.

So the blue lights shine up above my head as I write and I am trying not to do too much deep navel gazing even as I start to hunker down for winter.I daily try to remember all I have to be thankful for. And...

I lift up my eyes to the hills

where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalms 121

Feeding the World Together

2009-10-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

There's a t-shirt I wear and it says, "Feed my starving children." Some people mistake this for a joke about being a harried mom with kids who are always hungry. I always get comments on the shirt. It's a conversation starter which is great because it gives me a chance to tell them about the awesome place where I bought the shirt.

I know most of us busy trying to figure out how in the world to get our own dinner on the table while little ones hang on our hips, but I want to take a moment to think a little bigger.

There is a wonderful organization in Aurora called Feed My Starving Children. This organization hosts groups of volunteers who come assemble and pack simple nutritious meals that get sent to malnourished children around the globe.

What kind of food do volunteers pack?

Each FMSC meal provides the key nutrients a starving child needs to survive and thrive:

1. Rice- the most widely accepted grain around the world

2. Extruded soy nuggets- maximum protein at a low cost

3. 20 vitamins and minerals(with vegetarian chicken flavor) - nutrition & flavor

4. Dehydrated vegetables- nutrition & flavor

• Preparation:Just cook with boiling water.• Cost:each meal costs only 17 cents to produce.

94% of donations go directly to the feeding program. How do they do that? Volunteers pack 100% of the food. It's really a terrific idea. They have a small staff and rely on volunteers and that keeps the money going directly to the service they provide.

The other great thing about volunteering for FMSC is that it's fun. It's simple. You are busy the whole time. You have a specific task. You can chat with friends while you do your task and the time flies. Before you know it you have packed hundreds of food packets for children in need.

Would you like to try it out? You can call FMSC and sign up yourself or better yet a group together through your church, bookclub or family. Some children we know have had their birthday parties at FMSC.

Not sure you want to organize a group? How about tagging along this weekend? My church happens to be going and we are trying to get 180 volunteers to come along! We'd love to have you join us. We are a pretty ragtag bunch of people, but we're also alot of fun. Here's your invitation if you'd like to give FMSC a try. There is no obligation to attend our church or anything like that--we are just looking for people who want to help out and have a fun time with new friends in our community for the day. Here's your very own invitation!

My best friend

2009-10-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is a post that I wanted to get up in time for her birthday, but I never do anything on time. So better late then never!

My best friend is an amazing woman. Maybe you've seen her. She'd have been that tall beautiful woman in sensible, but stylish shoes, fetching jewelry, a trendy skirt, with an adorable handmade shoulder bag and holding two children.

Everything she sets her hands or mind to she does with excellence. Well, except making grilled cheese. She always burns grilled cheese. She engages in parenting her two children with thoughtfulness, care and love and happens to look good doing it. She's got an aura of fruition and good luck around her. I've never met her someplace where she didn't get the best parking spot while I had to walk 4 miles to the front door. If you get separated from her on a highway you are sure to find her even if she doesn't have her cell phone. If there is a right tool for the job she probably has it.

Also, she operates in her own time zone. If it takes me 40 minutes to do a task it only take her about 10 minutes. For example when camping with her she will leave with the 4 children and come back with them all successfully toileted and washed in the time it takes me to find my flashlight.

Wait, stop. You normal average mothers out there are probably hating her right about now. That is not the point of this post. Don't forget...she burns grilled cheese...and rumor has it pancakes too.

She is a truly amazing friend. She has sacrificed her time, her convenience, her money and all of her Mango Ceylon tea on my behalf. She always asks the right questions. You know the ones that make me cry when I need to. She also makes me laugh like crazy! How many people would let you take a picture of them on an old fashioned latrine pretending to 'go'?

We had our first daughters only two weeks apart. The girls are best friends to this day and they will be turning five this winter. We had our second daughters two months apart (her youngest calls my girls her "sisters"). Our families have been intertwined during these transformational years of becoming new parents. These friendships are lifelong. She challenges my ideas about parenting, the environment, food, my health, my marriage, friendships, faith and all without judging me. I promise I am not saying she is perfect. She puts fake flavored creamer in her coffee!

When I go to her house it's like a dream world. My children run off and play with their best friends and all the awesome wooden toys in the house. I eat amazing vegetarian meals, drink raw milk, eat homemade yogurt, practice my knitting, drink tea and have the comfort of the very best friend in the world.

There are only two things about her I can't quite understand: her passion for all things salty and also her love of gummy candy. I can forgive her for not likely red wine with chocolate because she is so wonderful in other ways. However, my biggest grudge against her is that she lives 4 hours away now and I can't see her 4 times a week like I was used to. I miss her. I even miss her grilled cheese.

I love you Kati!

I'm just sayin'....

2009-10-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe they aren't ready for a pet...

This was the temporary habitat for the cricket we caught. In his jar I found: toilet paper, a cranberry, a cashew and a plastic dinosaur....Oh and can you guess who decorated the jar? Yup, Peanut, who I am thinking of renaming Magpie since she collects anything and everything shiny.

Yes, "Crickey" is hiding in there.

Then again, maybe they really are ready for a pet...
Apparently, "Crickey" was cold and needed some blankies. Plus, he got hungry and needed a couple of snacks. Then of course he needed a toy.

Mama decided what he needed was a real habitat:

Now we have a very happy cricket and a very happy little girl. Although she tells me she still wants a squirrel, bunny or kitty or puppy that she can cuddle in her bed. I don't blame her one bit. We're testing the pet waters....

Sweetest Things

2009-10-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

Sweetpea loves to sing. Everywhere we go she sings. She listens to the lyrics in songs and picks them up quickly. She loves hearing words she recognizes. It's awesome to hear her sing "Beautiful Day" She even sings, "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...."

Sweetpea telling me that Crickey (our pet cricket) sang her to sleep. "My Crickey cricked! So I could sleep. He sing, "Twinkle twinkle, little star..."

With Beatles Rockband playing around our house an awful lot lately she's picked up on several Beatles songs with Yellow Submarine being her favorite. Sweetpea says, "I wanna play rockband! I wanna sing Lellow Submaween!" She does a great job actually.She has also been singing "Eight Days a Week" with some regularity. You'll just hear her singing to herself as she plays, "Hold me, love me, hold me, love me..."

One night after I complimented her on singing this lovely ballad she said to us, "I will ask Jesus to hold me love me." Still our insatiable cuddle bug this song suits her well.

She has started to show more independence, "NO! I do it! more stubborness, "No! I'm not done with this!" and more desire to separate from Mommy, "Go away. I don't like you." All of this mixed with a good bag of crazy three year old behavior.

Sweetpea: "I can't find my purse Mommy."
Mommy: "Oh, I don't know where it is. Where did play with it Sweetpea? "
Sweetpea Angrily, "I CAN'T FIND MY PURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mommy: *backs away*

She is getting close to age three. Three. The year that my relationship with Peanut became so difficult, challenging and strained. In some ways I am dreading this upcoming year and it is already starting. She takes what feels like hours to complete one simple task like getting out of the car because she is so fiercely independent. Plus she does those insane three year old things like, "I need to go potty! Come with me Mommy." Okay, here we go Sweetpea. And then suddenly, "NO! I no go potty!!!"

She has been screaming as a response to many things that upset her. Not usually even screaming words, just shrieking. I try to remind her to use her words and talk to me and Juliette so we can work it out. I often find myself singing, "We can work it out, we can work it out..." in the hopes of getting her attention. She does eventually calm down enough to squeeze out these words through her tears, "I am so SO sad!" Then I follow up with I hear you Sweetpea. I hear your words. We can work it out. I will be here waiting to hold you and love you once you figure out what you want.

Probably not worth it

2009-09-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

So I went to Ultra Foods yesterday hoping to save that up to 30% over regular grocery stores. My children were well behaved for about the 5 minutes their juice boxes and snack lasted. Then they were climbing incessantly in and out of the car cart. They were taking things off the shelves, pushing eachother, pulling hair, climbing on displays and screaming. Some days are just like that at the store. They are not good shoppers as a rule. Somehow we made it through the winding aisles with our cart filled up to the check out line. One of two that were open. One was the express aisle the other was the lane I stood in. The woman in front of us had a 10 minute conversation about the cereal she was purchasing which really wasn't for her while the cashier stood and read the ingredients on the box.

While I tried to wait patiently for the cashier to VERY slowly scan our items my 4 year old told my two year old she was covered in some kind of imaginary goo and that the goo was even in her mouth. At that the 2 year old cried, screamed and thrashed about as if really indeed covered in some kind of smothering goo. The cashier at this point stopped scanning items to watch the children. "They just need to get out of here." I said. The cashier handed them each an orange "Ultra Foods" sticker (gee thanks) and went back to slowly scanning our items.

As I bagged our items I let the girls out of the cart. They climbed the window displays and ran into old ladies with their shopping carts. They pushed and pulled eachother. I did everything I could to stop them...you know everything socially acceptable to stop them. Finally, after about the 10th time out in the store I very quickly swooped them each of them up and then pretty much dropped them down at my feet. I then blocked them in next to me with the cart. I recieved many many horrified glares and stares. My cheeks red with anger and embarrasement I quickly finished bagging. Handed them each the smoothy I'd bought them for lunch. Loaded the cart and we walked out. We made it to the car where I had no idea what to even do with them. Peanut thought it was all very amusing. I assured her it was not.

Peanut said we should probably never go back to that crazy grocery store again. I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to show my face there again.

When the sun has had it's day...

2009-09-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

Some General Admission Math:

7 hours in line in the sun + 2 hours standing in the stadium before the show + 4 hours dancing around in the stadium + 30 minutes walking out of the stadium + being woken at 7am by two hungry children = feeling totally hung over although I did not have one drop of alcohol.

More proof that I am no longer in my 20's:

Hitting the GA line at 10am and being there all day made me feel like I was in college again. However, when we woke up in the morning we were given the following note at breakfast (as transcribed by our very awesome babysitter).

"I can't believe you're at a concert."

That was my favorite line.

Lift Off!

2009-09-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Here's the straight recap on last night with pics.
More thoughts and some video yet to come....

Waiting

We made it to the General Admission line by about 10am. It was great to spend the day relaxing near the lake with so many wonderful U2 fans. We each took several walks. I enjoyed the rare solitude those moments provided. It was lovely to feel unburdened. Little people are lovely, but it was nice to have a whole day free from them even if it meant baking in the sun all day. By about 3pm we were really hot and restless. Even in this photo taken a bit after lunch you can tell we are getting a little weary.

Snow Patrol

We got into the Stadium around 5pm or so. We got right into the inner circle about 4th row from the stage with some other fans we had been hanging out with a bit. One couple seemed to really know their way around the G.A. routines. They were super great. Thanks guys! We made our last bathroom runs and waited. The excitement wore off again around 6pm. When Snow Patrol came on we were able to forget our aching feet and get back into the scene. They held their own on the big stage and really entertained the crowd. While I can't claim to be their biggest fan, I was only familiar with a couple of songs I really enjoyed their performance. I'll have to go give them another listen.Plus they were drinking Magner's Cider while they performed. Though it made me really thirsty.

Sometime later (I stopped checking the time) our band finally came on. Yay! Here are:

U2 360 Sunday the 13th 2009

See now we're REALLY happy! The spaceship is behind us and we are taking off...

This was how close we were to the Edge. It was awesome! Watching him play was pretty amazing. I loved watching his focus and concentration too. So into it. Beautiful.

Singing One

Bono on the bridge that moved right over our heads! Very impressive.
Who thought of that? Excellent. Really excellent.

Great photo of the Edge during Your Blue Room I think.

Side note, it was the first time they've performed Your Blue room live.
It's my favorite from Passengers.

Bono with his green guitar. Look how close!

We had a great night. It was quite an experience. I don't think I could ever see them again without doing General Admission. The energy of the crowd was fabulous.

Thanks Dad for the tickets...
Thanks U2 fans for the camaraderie...
Thanks U2 for an amazing night...

Ups and Downs

2009-08-31T16:37:00.001-07:00

Latest pet peeves:

-Every apple in the grocery store last week came from New Zealand.

-The produce sitting above the large "Locally Grown" sign in the grocery store was all from California.

-The cold & rainy weather meant my tomatoes have stopped ripening.

-After giving in and buying a new toaster oven I actually had to read the directions to figure out how to make toast.

-Figuring out childcare

-School has not started for preschoolers

-Peanut has cavities because bad teeth run in the family

Latest Favorites:

-Watching my Sweetpea dance the entire coreographed routine at the beginning of Backyardigans

-Hearing Peanut ask for massages and rubs because "they feel nice"

-Seeing our new discipline plan take action and be effective

-Watching the girls play together for significant portions of the day (at last!)

-Harvesting a lovely acorn squash from the garden

-Spending time with Colorado friends

-Seeing the girls kick a soccer ball around in the grass

Bedtime Prayers

2009-08-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

Mommy: Thank you God for our family. Thank you God for our friends Ms. R and K & J who played with my sweet girls today. Bless Daddy at school. Give us good rest tonight and give the girls sweet dreams.

Peanut: Thank you God for the toys I got when I gave up my binky. Do you know I still remember that? Thank you God for the toy I will get when I fill up my credit jar.

Sweetpea: Tank you God for no no fly in da house. Never never us let die.

Peanut: Yeah, don't let us die. But God we will die when we are very very very old.

Sweetpea: Vewy vewy old. Die. Amen.

I'm getting really excited for this...

2009-08-20T09:47:00.001-07:00

photo from U2.com

Only Love

2009-07-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

My dear little niece. You would have been born sometime this month if things had gone differently. I would have moved anything and everything in my schedule to come and see you. To have the joy of holding you, the privilege of caring for you and your mama. I would have come with a fairly goofy baby hat I was going to make you. It would probably have been too big. I would have brought some more of your cousins hand-me-downs. You would have then been positively pink. I would have swaddled you, swayed you and sung to you. I would have played with your toes and given you a belly rub, maybe even your first massage. I am missing you. I can not hold you Angel Mae, but I can still love you.

Only love, only love can leave such a mark 

But only love, only love can heal such a scar 

~Bono, U2, Magnificent

Sweetheart, you're so cruel

2009-07-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

After telling my Peanut she was making me frustrated and that she needed to go get ready for bed or go to time out. She said, "You are destroying my heart. I can actually feel it breaking in half." Yeah, nice try. Go brush your teeth girl.

But sometimes I do wonder if I am breaking her heart. If I am crushing the free, exuberant joyful spirit she has by all the times I tell her to give me space, to leave me alone, to stop doing something, to just go play by herself. So her words hit hard straight to that place of self doubt in me. The mommy guilt churns around in my gut. She's breaking my heart.

I feel so pulled apart by this girl. There is no one who makes me this angry. No one who pushes my buttons like she does. No one except her father. Yet, I love them both so passionately. Peanut's name here on the blog describes nothing except her physical stature. She is such a free bird and she takes up a lot of space. A lot of my psychic space. She fills the room with herself. She pushes in and over my boundaries, physical, emotional, spiritual. She is amazing though. Truly. Thinks out of the box, creates, invents, tells stories...wonderful stories. She is the girl in highschool I wanted to be with and be like. She's the girl in college whose art I wished I could imitate and whose life I wished I could lead. She's the woman now that makes me laugh, get outside myself and remember to enjoy life. She will be all these things to someone someday. She will drive me crazy and make me so proud. I pray I can hold it together to be there for her. Please hold me together.

Found this wonderful piece online

2009-07-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

Art by Kirsti Ottem Langeland

I had the feeling it was out of control

2009-06-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

Two very dear children in my life are facing serious loss for the first time. The are 10 years old. They are sweet kids. They are facing the serious illnesses and even possible deaths of loved ones--close friends and family members. I wonder about them and how they will make it through this time. I am thankful they have supportive families. I worry about them. I pray for them. I hope I can be a help to them because I have been there.

When I was ten years old my best friend's mother died of cancer, another family friend's mother died of cancer while my own parents spent their evenings fighting behind a closed bedroom door. My world was in chaos, but I could not have told you that. I was afraid, but I could not have told you that. I was actually panicking, but I did not even know that myself. I was very close to my parents, but I did not tell them what I was feeling because I didn't fully understand it. It was too big for me to let myself feel it. I was a shy and quiet little girl. Very quiet.

As a result of all that was going on I got the stomach flu. For a month. That's when we knew it wasn't really the stomach flu. Chronic vomiting spells for weeks on end. Upset stomach, abdominal pain, lethargy, lack of appetite, increased reserve at school. Yes, my first fight with depression and anxiety at age 10. That's when I started therapy.

I felt intuitively that I wasn't supposed to talk very much about the counseling with very many friends. It was somewhat of a secret outing downtown to Chelsea and I was usually able to swing some kind of street loot out of the visit (a new woven bracelet or headband). I think perhaps my parents just wanted to protect me...I don't remember ever being explicity told not to tell people, I was just very intuitive and picked up on the fact that we didn't have to really mention it unless I wanted to. So I'd go meet with "Lois". White noise whirred. Lois gave me crayons, markers and paper at the coffee table. She calmly asked me questions as I colored. I don't remember one thing we talked about. Not one. The only thing I remember is a relaxation exercise she taught me involving floating on white clouds. I used it repeatedly in the school nurse's office the remainder of the year. As the year went on the nausea and stomach pain stopped. I remained quiet, but grew more cheerful again, more content, more myself. I was helped through a grieving and separation process that I could not navigate. That was probably the beginning of my interest in complimentary health fields, stress management and holistic health models.

I returned to visiting Lois for more therapy at age 13 when I was given the choice of which parent to live with for the remainder of my school years. Again, I don't really remember what we talked about. I remember sheets of yellow composition paper covered in lists of pros and cons. I remember at the end of it all being able to safely voice the decision my heart had made when I was first asked which parent to live with. I am thankful for Lois. I don't even know her last name and I wouldn't recognize her if I saw her, but she probably changed my life.

My hope is to someday be able to get the Pediatric certification in Cranio Sacral Therapy so that I can help children that may be struggling physically or emotionally as Lois helped me. So when I say I'm looking for a sponsor on my Facebook update that's what I'm wishing for. Someone to put me through those trainings so I can get to that work sooner, but I am trying to be patient. Waiting for my time to give back...

Meanwhile there are plenty of little hearts that need my hands to hold them up...without needing me to have any formal training.

Belated Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

Rainy Days

I have to find the courage to walk out

2009-06-16T07:23:00.001-07:00

A while ago I wrote about my struggle with finding or prioritizing time to step out and serve others. Our pastor says that ideally we would not need constructed service projects, but that the church would simply be living and walking like Jesus, loving and serving our neighbors everyday. This indeed would be ideal, but for me I also really value the group service projects. It brings our church community together and we worship together through serving. The couple I've been able to attend have been encouraging to me spiritually plus we got so much done as a group.

I have missed several opportunities to attend a service project I signed up for, but there always was another need present. Once my daughters got sick with a stomach bug. Then a good friend needed us to hold their family up and watch their children. Another time I simply could not find anyone to watch my children. Still another time I showed up to visit someone in need and they just weren't home. I was feeling kind thwarted in even my feeble attempts.

I have started to realize that sometimes my place to serve is sometimes at home or just for friends. It certainly does not have to be an organized activity or something I was planning. I must be able to respond to needs as they arise-to listen to the Spirit who calls me to hesed, loyally serving with loving kindness, grace and mercy.

On the other hand I don't want to use the idea of serving at home as an out either. It would be easy for me to say, "Hey I have two little kids, a husband in grad school and I work part time. So I can't help anyone else right now." That is what my reality feels like. And yet everyone's life is full and mine are not the only needs in the world. There are things I can do. I can hold up my friends and watch their children, I can pray for others, I can bring my kids along to paint somebody's house. But sometimes my place to serve is just with my children. The place I still struggle is really listening to the Spirit to discern where and when He wants me to be.

I remember being in college and having what felt like endless hours to sketch, journal, read and pray, I didn't have many friends or extra curricular activities, so that's what I did in my free time. Now finding 5 or 10 minutes each day to do any of those meditative practices can be a challenge. I am trying to build this time into my day more. I've prioritized exercising my body so now for another part of me. I just tend to not like to have constructed spiritual times, but that would be the ideal to spontaneously be worshiping in whatever I do, but I need a little help considering the two little pixies who buzz around interrupting my train of thought all the time.

Perhaps as I practice I will be able to integrate this listening to the Spirit, worshiping, serving and filling sippy cups better.

What I want is to live this way:

Every day I die again, and again I'm reborn
Every day I have to find the courage
To walk out into the street
With arms out
Got a love you can't defeat
Neither down or out
There's nothing you have that I need
I can breathe
Breathe now

~Bono, U2

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-10T06:57:00.000-07:00

Potty Training is more fun with a big sister.

My heart melts when Peanut shows affection for Sweetpea...
if only it happened more often.

Seven, Eight, Nine, 90x

2009-06-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

I've been working really hard for the last 3 months. I've been doing P90x. I know! I can't believe it either! It's not my typical style. I do like most of the workouts though. There are lots of things in it that I still can not do, but I've really improved over the past few months. My fitness level is great. I tried doing another workout to mix things up and ended up doing 2 of them because I didn't feel like I'd done anything. I am not doing their nutrition plan or supplements.

The first month I was really hard core about it. I only missed one workout. Then reality started to catch up with me. My daughter had trouble with her quiet rests again. My husband's grad school load got heavy again. I ran out of personal time. I got my period. My Sweetpea got a stomach virus. I got a bad head cold. I hurt myself during my performance of "The princess has been fatally wounded" dance. I got my period again. I have persisted with the workouts, but they do not happen everyday anymore. I am probably averaging every other day. So this will be more like P180x. I am not actually aiming to get "totally ripped." I am however enjoying being in the best shape I've been in in years. Also, my anxiety and stress levels are much lower then they have been in the past so this really regular and quite vigorous exercise has been really good for my mental health too. I am also less fatigued overall.

I did not loose any weight the first month. The second month I lost a few pounds. Then last week I noticed I'd lost a total of 7 pounds. This week...it looks like the number has gone to 9 pounds! This is really encouraging to me because I was weighing in the heaviest I've ever been aside from being pregnant. I am now in a much more comfortable weight zone for myself. I would even say that I don't need or want to loose more. I do however want to keep toning up and keep exercising for all the emotional and physical benefits I've been experiencing. I have not ever exercised this regularly in my adult life. Certainly not since I was in dance classes as a kid.

Taste of Wheaton & French Market

2009-06-06T14:28:00.001-07:00

I think these photos speak for themselves. We had a really great time at the French Market and Taste of Wheaton today. The girls have been asking to buy kettle corn for weeks.

OH and apparently the Peanut will nap if she walks about 2 miles and spends the morning surrounded by hundreds of people.

Do you feel loved?

2009-06-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

Here is a story my 4 year old Peanut told me. She gave me permission to record it and share.

"You are the Queen of Carilbelle. You were born on a boat.

I am the princess. I was born in London. My little sister was also born in London, but someone had to take her away to a different house in London. She was climbing on a tree and fell down and she fell onto the point of a bow and arrow. Some bad people took her away. I touched the tippy top of the arrow. I didn't want to, but I did. I made it magic. I didn't die.

My father falled from a very tall tree, the tiniest tippiest branch. He fell to the hard deck onto the glass pointing up, but he was okay. My heart is in his heart. But my mother's heart isn't in my heart. She was sent away for a really long time because she was born in Paris. So now she lives in Paris on a boat. Nobody like to go to Paris. That's why they took her heart. The London judge took her heart.

I live with my father, but my baby was born with someone else. I need to read my book. My Grandmother wrote this book. She can speak Spanish words and Indian words. She was an Indian when she was a kid. It's hard to read Spanish."

Where did it all go wrong?

2009-05-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, I decided to nap today. I figure, I have my period with cramps and varicose veins that ache so badly I can't stand up for more then 30 minutes at a time. So I decided to nap. As a sort of sacrifice to the order of all things I decided to allow the Peanut to get up from her rest time earlier then usual. I told her 3:15 today. She was excited. I went to lie down. I slept. For about 15 minutes when in marches Peanut at 2:35. "My back hurts." That concern quickly faded into wanting a new toy and then being upset she wasn't getting a treat after rest for doing a good rest (not that she went back to rest to fix that) and then all the way to "There's a fly. Flying around the room while I play. It's flying and flying and buzzing and it really wants a snack."

Once she was back in her rest with her friend the snacky fly I lay down once more. To awake to crying Sweetpea at 2:55. Reluctantly I check. She has removed her clean dry diaper and is soaked with pee. Fabulous. Clean her up. Clean bed. Put sheets in laundry. Feel jipped. Put her back to bed on a dry mattress, kiss her, say goodnight, close the door. She cries. She feels jipped. It's now 3:00. 3:15 is quickly approaching and what do I do? Yup, I blog because I am not the only mother being driven insane right now. Right? From downstairs, "It's 3:02!" Blog, blog, blog, blog. "It's 3:03!".....etc...

And now the icecream truck is circling the block with it's clinkety-clinkety music. Today they are playing "Lullabye and goodnight." I would like to have this truck banned from the neighborhood. "It's 3:05!!!"

Never stops

2009-05-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

Peanut's imagination never stops. She creates new games everyday. Every minute. I am witness to new genius every moment of the day. This is both exhilirating and exhausting especially if I have a staring role in the game. Now however, Sweetpea is able to play along. Here's one of my newest favorites.

Presenting "the fish lady" in her seaside hut.....

Buy fresh fish all day long.

She even has cooking tips for you to tell your mom when you get home.

Busy busy all day long in the fish hut.

Got a minute? Stop over at my massage blog.

I'm talking about self care tips for headaches today.

Camping

2009-05-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

We went camping with the girls and some friends over Memorial Day Weekend. We had beautiful weather aside from one wet night. We were able to go to the beach the night after the rain while the campsite dried out which was a real treat for us all.

e

Be sure to visit me over at my massage therapy blog for self care tips this week.

Some days are better then others...

2009-05-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

At the library someone reminded me that "the days are long and the years are fast" with young children. We had a really hard week so I wasn't in the mood to totally agree with her although that sentiment has been mostly true so far for me. However, I have a feeling this next year and half of grad school is still going to feel long and the days even longer. Last week was really long and I'm not even sure it's over. I've been with the little ones alone for too long of a stretch. Plus my depression was in pretty full force last week. Mother's Day brought some relief with a scone in bed and church together, but then Daddy-O was busy with work and school until the evening. At least he was able to help put them to bed. That's always my hardest time of day because I am so wiped out by then.

Yesterday, we made pop corn because we didn't get any at the French Market on Saturday (it was too chilly out for me). Then we watched the U2 video for Magnificent a few times. That was a real pick me up...it's beautiful. The song seems to be a real favorite with many fans, myself included. The girls really enjoyed it. They were concerned about the "sheets" flying away and getting lost at first until I gave them some reassurance. That was the most beautiful part to me. Seeing the people life their eyes up to see the sheets lifting, to see the sun. The video made me want to go back to Morocco. Maybe someday....meanwhile we are just passing the time as best as we can and I am lifting my eyes up.

Are you home alone with your kids all the time too? How do you survive the long days?

If you're wondering where else I've been you can visit me over here:
Massage for Women and Families, the blog

or here: Massage for Moms Running on Empty

Feed a family

2009-05-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

We love to eat organic because we believe it is healthier for us and for our planet, but our budget has been cut significantly this year so we are cutting back on our organic food this year. We are hoping this is temporary or that I can figure out how to re-budget to make some more organic food fit into our budget...or that I get more clients to give our budget more padding. It's definitely a sign of being privileged that I can even consider organic foods. It's always been frustrating to me that those who have less money are left with less healthy food options.

We are gardening this year in the hopes getting some organic produce...if the bunnies don't get it all first!

Meanwhile this has come to my attention: A local organic farm makes it possible for you to contribute to a fund that will feed families in need organic produce. Please go to Timber Creek Farm's Blog to read more about it...

Also, go to DuPage Mama's website and enter a contest to win a free box of organic produce from Timber Creek Farm.

at the top of the bottom

2009-05-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

We took at day off today. We did not make it to church and I did not restart my exercise regimen like I was supposed to. We went for a walk, let the girls play at the park and we all took afternoon naps. I think we may muster up the strength for some light gardening and then take it easy again. We need this Sabbath.

This morning I found myself completely exhausted. It could be because I took care of four girls instead of two last week. It could be because I am still trying to kick a nasty head cold, it could be because I had to give up counseling and some other self care habits due to our 10% pay cut adjustments. Or it could be because because our weeks recently have been marked by losses, near losses and remembrances of those already gone.

I think I have been going and going and going because that is what we have needed to do to make life work. Most recently I took care of our friends' daughters this week. T. was having brain surgery and his wife K. stayed with him in the hospital. They are our best friends and we were incredibly worried, but I kept going. I was happy to do so too because they needed us. Their girls needed me. The girls got up too early and stayed up too late. We made cookies and played playdough and rode tricycles and went to the library and the petting zoo and waited. So far things are looking more encouraging for his health and he was released from the hospital. They went home yesterday morning and last night I just crashed.

Today I will tend the strawberries that will remind me of my niece, Angel Mae , and also my nieces, Jordan and Lily who we had hoped to hold and love, but can not know....not yet.

I will dig in the dirt and be thankful for all my nieces and nephews. I will be thankful that our friend who life was placed once again on the edge for a few days this week is with us, and that we had his little girls in our home as a comfort this week. I will be thankful that my husband's sister is still with us. I will be thankful for the soil, the air, the water that sustains us. Thankful for my girls. Thankful. And I will remember to shout for joy if I get the chance.

See what else I'm talking about this week over here.

Sunshine at Last!

2009-04-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

It's sunny outside at last! We plan to spend all afternoon in the garden or riding bikes!

We've been reading and reading and reading to survive the last few weeks of cold and rain. And yes, we have also watched too many videos.

Some of our latest favorite books are, If you Give a Moose a Muffin, The Emperor who Hated Yellow, Do I Bug You? and the Barefoot Book of Princesses.

Need a new book to read with your little one? Run over to DuPage Mamas to win a Barefoot Book... they are the greatest children's books.

Meanwhile we'll be putting our books aside for the next rainy day..which will come soon enough I'm sure. See you outside!

Women are the future...

2009-04-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

Many of you have been asking how business is going. So here's a little update. Everything is all set. I am set to start here at home and set to start at Integro Family Health too. However, no one is booking. So I am waiting. Which is really fine and totally normal when you start a new business. I am not worried at this point...I am hopeful.

The thing that I do wonder about though is this...

Most women I have spoken to about starting up my business are very disappointed when they learn I am really trying to build a business to work with female clients. I often get the response, "Oh, that's too bad...my husband really could use a massage."

Now, I'm not opposed to working with male clients and I do see them at the doctor's office. However, my goal has always been to have a practice tailored to working with women and children.

I am sure these women are just really wanting to give their husband the gift of stress relief and relaxation, but I do wonder if they are caring for themselves too. Maybe I'm just projecting...I know that too often I look after everyone else before I even think about myself. I'm really only now finally reprogramming myself to believe that self care does not equal selfishness.

I have a gift for nurturing. It is why I love being a mom, it is why I practice massage therapy, it is why I was a doula, it is why I make my husband his favorite dinners and leave a light on for him when he comes home late. However, there are times when I out give myself. I have typically been an habitual over giver. This resulted in burn out for me especially as a mom. So I've been practicing my self care. I'm setting new boundaries with my children, I'm telling people when they upset me, I'm exercising everyday (yeah, that is nuts for me!), I'm praying more and connecting with my community of friends more. I am making my favorite dinners too. I am taking care of myself. I hope the rest of you are finding ways to care for yourself too.

We must all care for ourselves and connect deeply into the Living Waters in order to really be able to care for others. My hope is that by consitently caring for myself and connecting with my Creator I will have more to give to my daughters and that they will learn how to do this kind of self nurturing even as I teach them the value of nurturing others.

If you want a little more encouragment you can check this out.

Massage Contest Winners!

2009-04-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

Good morning everyone. I hope you all had a wonderful Easter weekend.

The question for the contest was,"tell me which U2 song my post title comes from." However, the question that almost every contestant answered was "What U2 song is my Blog title from?"

Only one contestant answered the question I asked. It was Jenny! Everyone who answered the blog name question got it right. So Jenny is the winner of the one hour massage!

I decided to do another drawing for just a half hour massage with the other folks who answered about the blog title question because I don't think the question was clear. Yes, my blog title comes from the U2 song Gloria and means "in the Lord." The winner of that drawing is Farrah Baby Love Slings!

The blog post title "See the future just hanging there" came from Your Blue Room. Many of my individual post titles are also a U2 lyric.

As a big thank you to all who entered and didn't win the contest you get a consolation prize of $10 off your next massage or gift certificate from Massage for Women and Families. So don't forget to schedule this spring!

Also, keep your eyes peeled for another giveaway for free massage from me over at DuPage Mamas! They are going to be giving away all kinds of goodies during their launch week so bookmark that page or subscribe so you can keep going back to enter in the drawings.

What I'm looking for...

2009-04-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

This week was full for our family. At the beginning of the week I began to regret planning our Passover dinner and I was certainly regretting volunteering for the school Easter party. I don't like when Holy Week feels so hectic. I want to actually slow down and pay extra close attention this week of all weeks. I just didn't know how to make that happen this week. I kept praying for it and hoping that maybe I'd sneak in some devotional or meditation time.

The school party was passed uneventfully and the girls and I finished preparing for our Seder. I joyfully went about my preparations with less stress then usual and was excited about having children (not just nursing infants) at my Seder for the first time. If you want to know why in the world I am celebrating Passover with a Seder dinner then you may want to read my sister's post. As a brief sum up my maiden name is Rosenblum, but really it's a much longer story then that.

So on Thursday our friends came with their children. We prayed, we broke bread, we dipped our matzoh in bitter herbs, we drank wine, we laughed, we asked and answered questions, we told the story. And we even tried to explain why we opened the door for that "pretend man" Elijah .

This was the most chaotic Seder I have done myself. The kids were up and down and watching and curious and then disinterested and restless and hungry, then interested again and then tired...very tired. It was messy. It was what it was supposed to be..the telling of the Exodus to our children, a celebration of our freedom and for our group a remembrance of Jesus' last supper with his disciples and his journey to the cross. It was messy. It was wonderful.

And when it was over I felt very at peace. Full and very content with our communityand grateful. Grateful for His promises kept to Israel. Then fulfilled in Christ. Given as a gift to us.

Friday I was given another gift by being able to attend a candlelight Good Friday service at my new church. I am still reflecting on this service and would love to share more about it but I am still processing. It was an artful and beautiful interpretation of the stations of the cross. It allowed for each individual to slow down and silently reflect on the Jesus' death. It was just what I was hoping for but didn't know how to find this week. 'If ever I loved Thee my Jesus 'tis now.'

11 o'clock Tick Tock

2009-04-07T10:45:00.001-07:00

Time is running out!

Don't forget about your chance to win a one hour massage for yourself or for a loved one...remember Mother's Day isn't that far away.

Scroll to the end of Last Week's post to see how...

Put on your boots

2009-04-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

Your bootcamp boots that is.

We are in Grad school bootcamp here. Me, Daddy-O and the girls.

No more nonsense about anything.

I've been going to counseling for several months now to manage my depression, anxiety and general messiness. As I've been going one thing that has come up for me is just really feeling the loss of me. Of my person hood. Of my time. My sanity. I feel like Peanut is eating my brain. She is always up in my psychic space and all over me physically too.

She is very demanding and as a first child very used to being accommodated, validated and listened to ALL the time. I very much want her to feel validated, listened to and respected. However, I've realized that she doesn't give the same back to me. Modeling, modeling modeling. That's what I based my parenting theories on. Model to them what you want to get back. I still believe that is very important. However, Peanut apparently doesn't always get it. My therapist referred to her as a two by four person. In other words I have to hit her over the head with a two by four in order to help her understand a boundary. Daddy-O is the same.

I on the other hand am a "feather" person. Seriously, I intuit a boundary before you even say it. For example, I know when you want me to leave (even if I can't get out the door 'cause I'm chasing my 2 year old). I'm very intuitive about a lot of things and I have to practice turning this off in myself just so that I can allow others to communicate with me directly and so I can practice doing the same. Other times I need to trust my intuition more (that's a different post).

Anyway, so we are in Boot Camp. I can't survive all this single parenting unless my kids can play together nicely, clean up their own toys, respect me, occasionally not talk to me, and go to bed at a decent hour. Sounds reasonable on paper. In practice it's lots of work. Parenting always is. My boundaries are really high right now. I am alone with the girls all day most week days and now occasionally on weekends too. I am trying to start up my busines s and run the household. Not to mention I'd like to you know, be helping my neighbor and all that too. So, there are many days that I hardly play with my children...this is really different for me.

I am busy keeping house or working or taking some time take care of myself or to call this sister or that sister or exercising or getting us ready to go out the door or move on to the next activity. I'm fighting back the Mama guilt. But right now I need to rebalance the scales. It's uncomfortable some days. It'll get easier to find a balance I'm sure...and I think my perspective will change and grow and I'll learn how to find my center again.

If they listened to what I said

2009-04-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

So, Sweetpea has caught on now. I was playing Radiohead in the car. BTW, the In Rainbows album is spectacular if you haven't heard it yet.

Sweetpea, "Mommy music on?"
Mommy, "Yes, I put my music on"
Sweetpea, "Ummm, ummm, is....ummm, Bono?"
Mommy, "Not this time, but that's a good guess for Mommy music. I'll put Bono on next."
Sweetpea, "Bono, like it. Bono! Yay!

All because of you

2009-04-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

In case any of you have any doubts at all:
Yes, I have tickets for the Chicago show.
It's all because of you, Dad! Thank you!

Oh and yes, I am letting the husband come instead of spending all the ticket money on myself...tempting as it was....

See the future just hanging there

2009-04-01T05:42:00.000-07:00

Over the past four years I have taken a few doula and massage clients and done some babysitting, but today I return to the working world. It's just part time. I will be working out of my doctor's office one morning a week and then build up a schedule of clients here at home too. The hope is that I will have an outlet other then the just the little ones to refresh me and earn some money to pay for babysitters. I do a lot of single parenting these days since Daddy-O is in school and working full time. We're on a grad school schedule and budget over here and I've been losing my mind. So, I got my license and certifications all in order and I am ready for business. Now all I need are clients.

This is a big transition for me and my little ones. From SAHM to part time working mom. I am both excited and nervous. I am really looking forward to seeing clients downstairs in my little blue room. Peanut helped me get it all set up. I think this helped her feel better about all the changes I was making. At least it helped me feel better. I feel torn about leaving my littlest one, my Sweetpea. After leaving her these days she gets very very sad. I think it's a little bit of a reaction to being left with her auntie for 5 days without much warning. She had a great time with her auntie and cousins however, she is now ready to glue herself to my leg permanently. I know she will be fine and I am trying to let go of the false mommy guilt, but it's a fight internally because well, you've seen her eyes right?

Yet, this is what I've always wanted. One of my many goals when entering the massage therapy and bodywork field was to have a home office so I could maximize the time I spent with my children. I am excited so excited to think about my dream coming true...it's just around the corner...

In celebration I am having Give Aways!

Give Away 1:

If you can tell me which U2 song my post title comes from I will enter you in a drawing to win a free one hour massage (or gift certificate for someone who can come to Wheaton, IL.) . You have to be able to come to my office in Wheaton, IL. to win this give away. I do not make house calls.

Here's how it works:

Visit my business website, fill out the contact form and include your answer in the comments.

I will randomly draw a winner on Sunday April 12th. The winner will be announced here on Monday April 13th.

Give Away two:

Spread the word and get two local folks to visit my business site and fill out the comment form then you will recieve $15 off your own massage therapy session.

Tell them to leave your name and email or blog in their comment so I know who has referred them.

This giveaway ends April 15th.

Good luck!

You'll never be denied everlasting love

2009-01-24T12:28:00.000-08:00

I decided I was ready to let go of my nursing relationship with Sweetpea shortly after she turned two and I turned thirty....

FIRST

Sweetpea moments after her birth in December of 2006:

LAST

Sweetpea, age 2, January 2009, one day after my 30th birthday:

Sweetpea, my littlest love. Only two weeks after you were born we were worried you would not be able to nurse due to a genetic disorder. It would mean giving up nursing, having challenging diet changes for all of us and potential serious health risks for you later in life. We were frightened. I was sad. I wept and wept. I love to nurse. I was sad I could not give you comfort at my breast when you so desperately wanted and needed it...when you were tied with a rubber band as a tourniquet, poked with needles and held down by strangers. I was worried about your future and what we might be facing down the road. I was told to pump just incase you were okay. I pumped around the clock. Daddy-O and I were both up at night to care for you. He'd give you a bottle of formula while I pumped. We were glad we could give you what you needed even though it's not what we were expecting, but we were oh so tired! Then we were given an unexpected gift. You received a clean bill of health after a couple of anxious weeks of testing. The tests were either wrong or you had been mysteriously healed. We are so thankful, whatever the cause, that you are healthy.

We were able to resume our nursing relationship. You transitioned back to nursing smoothly...another gift. It was always a special time for us since you are such a cuddle bug. When it was time for us to stop this part of our relationship you took it well. Your last nursing was 45 minutes long! You knew intuitively that it was the last. You only had a couple of hard days when I returned from my trip to NYC, but you were easily comforted by "my Daddy" and smoothies. There were a few tears from you and a few from me, but now we have adjusted. Now every morning, if we have time, instead of nursing you still come into my bed and cuddle with me. You may not nurse anymore, but you will always have my arms to run to. You will alway have my everlasting love.

It's getting away from me

2009-01-22T17:18:00.000-08:00

So in counseling I am really working on setting up more "protective boundaries" between myself and the Peanut. This has generally been really helpful and good for our relationship. She has mostly been into being a productive member of the family since turning 4 which is awesome and fun to see. This week though the Peanut is kickin' up some dust and pushing back. She's sneaking and lying and calling herself a "pixie" and breaking as many of the boundaries as she can.

I'm trying not to loose my mind or my position. I'm also trying to keep my sense of humor. One of the things she snuck was my camera. Actually she took some pretty good shots for a 4 year old. I still can't wait to see what this girl is going to do when she's in college. Her creative streak is so strong in so many ways. The piano shot is my favorite. What's yours?

I'm breaking it slowly in mind

2008-12-31T08:24:00.000-08:00

First a word to my readers....
The last time I blogged about my depression I recieved many concerned comments and lovely words of sympathy. There were also many admonitions that I recieve appropriate professional care and medication if necessary. I appreciate my readers concerns and well meaning intentions. I thought this time I would start off by making sure everyone knew that I am recieving appropriate professional care and medication and also do lots of self care. Even with all the proper treatment depression is not something that just goes away. It is something I periodically struggle with and is something I need to continually process. I am hoping this can be a place I can do that safely. You need not fear for my safety or my children's there are people in my life who see to that with me. If you would rather skip posts about depression please feel free to do so.

Lifting myself, lifting her, lifting the laundry, lifting my spoon. Carrying the weight of good intentions never fulfilled. The burden of guilt and inadequacy weigh me down. Fog over my eyes, darkness in my heart, heaviness in my legs, can I even walk? Reality crashing, tears falling, feet stumbling. Hitting a wall, hitting myself, protect the little ones. Walking away. Hiding, but not alone. Spacing, pacing, please God. Bursting, broken, undone, quiet, safe, but wrecked.

City of Blinding Lights

2008-12-12T18:17:00.000-08:00

You may have caught on that Peanut is not very conventional in her play.
Here is what I found after her quiet rest today....

This is just one of her many creations. Below is the list of materials used for this installation:

Christmas lights on bookcase and dresser
Dress up bonnet
Dress up crown
Feather from Grandma
Polly Pockets
Angel from Christmas tree
Bookmark
Bracelet
Bangle
Polly Pocket Dolls
Polly Pocket Accessories
Disney Cinderella Figurine
Dress up box lid
Strawberry Shortcake Sleeping Bag

Wooden Dollhouse

And I must be an acrobat to talk like this and act like that.

2008-12-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in my last post that we had a wonderful teaching on the Eucharist at church on Sunday. That perhaps it is not just the breaking of the bread and wine that we are commanded to do, but that we are commanded to be broken like the bread and poured out like the wine, like Christ himself for others in our community.

I want to do this. I really really do. Christ pouring himself out for me is what compells me to follow Him and I have a true desire to walk as he did. This is why I chose to attend this church because their emphasis is on serving others in Christ's love.

And yet I really really struggle with this. I have opportunity to serve others. I do often make choices to serve in small ways, but if it requires me to be truly poured out, truly broken for someone else I hold back. There are so many reasons for this. Some of it is just my pure selfishness and desire to stay within my comfort zone. On the other hand I also feel like I am constantly being poured out and broken every day as I raise my two little ones. I really do feel like every part of me is used up by about 7pm. How do I find the resources to keep giving to my own family let alone other families?

The Sunday school answer, which is also the right answer, is that it's only through Jesus that I will be able to give to others. I don't take time right now to regularly read the scriptures or meditate. I have very little motivation and energy for even that. I started counseling on Monday and one of the things I am going to be working on with my counselor is making sure I do all the important self care and spiritual things I need to be doing. This will also mean hiring some babysitters....ah, well it's worth the cash. Then, we will be working on setting boundaries in my relationship with Peanut. This relationship is the cause of some major stress in my life right now and I want to do this right because I love her and value her so much.

Maybe if I can get some of these things in order I will be able to step out of my comfort zone more?

Is there a time for tying ribbons, a time for Christmas trees

2008-12-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

We are not able to travel home to be with family for Christmas this year. However, we are counting our blessings. We feel very fortunate to be able to celebrate this special season with joy, hope and expectation.

Our new church family has welcomed us with open arms which is helping us open our hearts to our Savior in a new way this season. We feel expectant for what God will do in us and through us this year as we walk with this amazing group of servant hearted pilgrims. The first Sunday of advent the room in which we worship was covered with straw. Last Sunday it was covered with trash. The hay and trash were serving as a reminder that God came humbly in the midst of our dirt, our mess, our chaos our broken hearts to experience it all as we do and to be our hope and light in the midst of this darkness. As we had communion this Sunday we were reminded to "go and do this in remembrance of Me"---to be willing to be poured out and broken for others as Christ was for us---to take up the mission of being His light in the darkness. A task that daunts and inspires me at once. Only by His Spirit.

I love the symbolism of lights during this season. It is especially meaningful to me as I struggle with SAD and depression at this time of year most severly. The little sparkling twinkling lights remind me that there is a greater Light to come. That I have only seen dimly here and one day I will see clearly.

Our most beautiful tree ever.

Peanut has really picked up on the Santa buzz from all of her little preschool friends. When we put our Christmas tree up after Thanksgiving she asked if she could stay up late that night to see Santa. Poor thing...she still had a whole month until Christmas at that point. Fortunately, Peanut's preschool had a Gingerbread house decorating party and a visit from St. Nicholas. He came in with a jolly "Ho ho ho!" and all the children welcomed him with great excitement. Peanut gave him one of her big attack hugs as he was trying to get to his chair.

How excited is Peanut? Also, I love the way Sweetpea is eyeing St. Nick.

We also had some lovely grownup holiday time last night listening to beautiful classical music sung by our friend John and his sister Susan.

Music in the Parlour

(from outside, taken from their photo collection)

They performed in the intimate environment of their living room for a handful of friends after we all mingled over delicious fruit, cheese, wine, hot cider, cakes and gingerbread. This was our second time attending Music in the Parlour and it is quickly turning into one of our favorite outings. You can enjoy the concert yourself via this video on the website.

We still have more advent celebrations and Hanukkah too before we get to Christmas day. Our month is rich and warm in spite of the chilly Chicago winds.

How are you celebrating this season?

Curly Girl Gets a Cut

2008-12-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

Sweetpea has my hair. It is curly, but if it gets dried out it gets straight and frizzy, especially on the top. Once winter hit her hair was no longer curling up in a cute way so it was time for a trim! Her first haircut!

Little Sweetpea before her curly girl trim:

Little Sweetpea after her curly girl trim:

Now Mommy needs a curly girl cut!

December 1st

2008-12-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

Fans

2008-11-15T20:00:00.000-08:00

Here are the girls wearing our Obama shirts that we bought at the rally.

"Wherever I go She's always hangin' round"

2008-11-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

So here is a long overdue update on our Peanut:

She is off the charts, out of this world creative. She is a completely out of the box thinker and she is very independent. Give her a doll house doll, lacing toys and a scrap of fabric walk away for fifteen minutes. Come back and you will find the lacing cards hanging all over her room and the doll house guy bungy jumping with a lacing string from her coat hook with a sari on. Her latest obsession though is creating new outfits for herself. Below you will see the Warrior Princess outfit as the Warrior Princess shoots a bow and arrow:

When she is with me she never stops talking. Really, like never. Unless I put on a dvd. Then she might rest for a couple of minutes. I get non-stop full intense dialogue like, "Why did Jesus have to die?" all the way down to running commentary on things I don't need to know like, "I just scratched my belly button."

Also, rarely am I allowed to just be myself. I must put up very firm boundaries when I am all done playing pretend. Her demands that I be a prince, pharoah, queen, baby, dragon, child, Cl.Brandon, horse, etc never cease either. There is rarely a moment that this child is not living in some fantasy world, usually an amalgam of many stories we've read and her own imagination.

If she must take her "quiet rest", read books alone in the morning while I use the bathroom, or if she should have to go potty herself her major complaint is always, "But, I will just be all alone!"
If I do anything she must be in the same 2 sq ft that I am taking up. She is non stop motion, as she has always been...and sometimes I just need Space.

I, being an introvert can not understand this child. I love her. I value her. I think she is amazing and that she is going to be some kind of incredible young adult bursting with creative energy in whatever field she pursues. I just can't handle more then about 15minutes of her at a time right now(not that is possible). I love stories, I like pretend play, but think about this:
12 hours every day (almost non-stop) a super energetic, demanding, widely creative, bossy director is trying to tell you how to live your normal life...and would like to see it look anything but normal. Very tiring.

A couple more things if you don't mind my Mommy vent here. She does not listen to my normal polite requests. I am trying to mirror good behavior to her.

Mommy says, "Peanut, please give Mommy space for 5 minutes while I get your cereal. I am not going to be Pharoah right now."

Peanut says, "You could just be Pharoah getting my cereal and I can be the princess trying to pour the milk."

Mommy repeats her request. Peanut repeats hers. Mommy finally breaks down and says, "Peanut, GO AWAY."

Peanut says, "Hrumph!" and stomps off.

She also won't eat her dinner these days. No matter what it is. We've been trying to enforce a new rule which is eating a " no thank you helping" of grown up food before requesting a simple kid friendly alternative if she doesn't like it. Well, now she's just been refusing to eat. So I'm just trying to play it cool. Tonight I was all, fine if you don't eat your yogurt that's alright, but you might get hungry. I don't really care. She then decided to eat, but she ate her bowl of yogurt with her spoon UP-SIDE-DOWN. Come on!

All of that being said, she is really quite remarkable. She can do simple addition and is starting to count things in her head without using her fingers (only very simple recognizable numbers, but it's still cool). She loves for us to read her complex stories like St. George and the Dragon and The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. She still has very little interest in learning to read herself, but I'm not worried.

Peanut's self portrait
(castle, chalk hair & dress by mommy, grass by the artist)

She constantly tells the most amazing stories that have incredible twists and turns. A statue that is placed on a fire and turns into a magical queen....a dragon that tries to steal the princesses jewels while she is on the way to the ball....a famous ballerina who is actually a warrior...

One time she was telling me an incredible story and I said, "Ooo! Hold on a second I'm gonna get a piece of paper so I can write your story down." She said with aprehension in her voice, "No! If you write it down then it will come true and it is a very scary story."

Oh one last tidbit. Her favorite music these days is Lorena McKennit. Ofcourse!!

This is cross posted on our family site for, well, family. ;-)

Tigger's New Moves

2008-11-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

I bet you didn't know Tigger did ballet?

Attached

2008-11-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

Okay so within 4 short hours the baby got attached to one of these balls. Very very attached. She wants to sleep with the snowman ball. He is very cute and glittery and really I have no problem with her sleeping with it. The problem is that it's a ball and it rolls or bounces away. Like out of the crib, in the dark and then we have lots and lots of crying. So Daddy-O and I think maybe it's best not to go there (again--we tried last night when the ball ended up in the crib mysteriously).

However, now we have our almost 2 year old Sweetpea trying to strike a bargain before her nap to get the ball. Since she only understands about 80-90% of my words she is really very confused. I told her she could have the ball after "Night-night." She calmed down, smiled and said, "yeah." So she had "Nee-nees" (nursing) and when she was done she looked up at me with a smile, held out her hands and said, "yeah, ball." I tried to explain again and it just ended in tears. Now for the past 5 minutes straight I've been listening to her call for me and the ball through tears when she should be napping. I really think we made the right decision, but it's breakin' my heart. One more try to settle her....

Craft for a Good Cause

2008-11-09T11:39:00.001-08:00

So, you might know that I tinker a bit with sewing and now I am learning to knit. I know, Heidi you've warned me about this one, but I can't help it! I'm definitely not good enought to knit a little hat yet, but I may be able to sew one simply from a t-shirt.

If you like crafting here is a wonderful project that you can get involved in and give a gift to families in need. Soule Mama has launched a new website Mama to Mama . The first project is to get crafters to help make simple infant caps for babies in Haiti. They can be handknit with cotton or make from jersey (t-shirt material). You can download the pattern.Check out the website for more details. I believe the deadline for sending the caps to Mama to Mama is December 10th.

Have more questions?

Also, read this lovely post about the project and about Haiti at Sew Liberated here.

OBono

2008-11-08T19:08:00.001-08:00

Read Bono's letter to Obama here.

Barack O

2008-11-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

Obama Election Night Rally

2008-11-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

Several of you have written to ask me what it was like to be at the rally. For my friends who are less then pleased with the outcome of the election this isn't to gloat over you just to tell our story of the historical night we were able to witness.

When we arrived downtown the streets were buzzing with energy. Obama t-shirts, buttons and hats were being sold on every street corner. The closer we got to Grant Park the more police officers we saw and the higher the energy of the gathering crowds became.

We walked along the park until we found the ticket holder line. It was really really long. I mean like 3/4 of a mile long. We kept walking until we got to the end where we, along with the rest of the crowd were corralled like cattle by officers on horses. We waited as VIP trolleys rolled by us into the park. People were constantly on their cells, their blackberrys and their iphones checking for election updates or giving live reports to loved ones on the downtown scene.

The line finally moved and it went rather quickly. We ended up in line near a couple who brought their 4 month old twins with them, each one carried in a Bjorn. There was comradery among the crowd. No one seemed to mind getting stepped on or bumped. We were all excited. If the line opened up into a wider area (like say there was grass along a sidewalk) those among us who were ambitious (yeah, us) took advantage of the space to gain ground. Okay, we cut in line....along with many many others. One woman being passed by a group jokingly called out, "Democrats! Shame on you."

With full riot gear.

Our line

Still waiting in line!

Once inside the park there was a crowd very tightly packed toward the front of the ticketed area which was well behind the VIP area. It was shoulder to shoulder no room to budge. We hung back a bit behind this section where I could actually get a view of the screen. The stage would be too far and high for us to see no matter what.

The crowd was in high spirits and optimistic. People were excited and down right chummy with one another. Then there were of course some very exciting moments. When the announcement came on the big screen that Obama had one were strangers giving one another high fives and even embracing. People were crying, cheering, jumping and saying, "I can't believe it! I can't believe it really happened!"

We were so priviledged to be a part of this historical moment. What a memory.

He won!

I'll let these videos speak for themselves.

CNN's projection that Obama is President-Elect:

Obama begins his speech (the crowd has calmed a bit from his initial appearance on stage):

Scoring with Obama Tickets

2008-11-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

As you may have heard I got a ticket by a total stroke of luck to go to the Obama rally tonight. The free tickets to the rally were based on first come first serve sign ups through the campaign website. They are issued by name and you have to present your ID upon entrance. However, you can bring a guest and your kids.We've decided not to take the children since it's so late and standing room only. The tickets are greatly coveted by pretty much every Obama supporter in the known universe. People are offering crazy things to be someone's guest at the event. Here is a funny collection of offers, bargains and pleas made on Craigslist for an opportunity to go to the rally courtesy of the NBC5 News Blog. Enjoy the funny reading!

Will Trade Sex for Obama

Oh, and no matter which candidate you are supporting don't forget to vote today!

The Edge

2008-10-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

The Edge is one the featured guitarists in a documentary called The Story of the Guitar. You can see a couple of clips from the documentary on BBC's website. Check them out.

If you are are U2 fan then these are the clips for you:

Edge and his Gibson

Edge and the 18 or so guitars the band uses....

The Duchess---Spoiler Alert

2008-10-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

A friend invited me out to see The Duchess. Now, you must understand I live in a low-media state most of the time. Limited tv reception. Internet, yes, but mostly for email, blogs and news.We only watch pbs or shows we can watch on hulu.

My friend said it was a period piece by PBS about an 18th century duchess. "Great. Chick flick. Awesome," I thought.

Well, I was surprised. This film has all the fun fun fancy costumes and repressed British manners to sure, but I thought it was pretty intense. It is in fact, as you may know if you've actually seen previews or read reviews, a film about the oppression of women, & male abuse of power among the social elite of the 18th century. The story of Georgiana Spencer and her marriage to the Duke of Cavendish is absolutely miserable.

Unknowingly in 9th grade I read all about her life in the School for Scandal which was a comedy based on her marriage to Lord Cavendish. I remember finding it amusing, but also strange and obtuse for me as a 14 year old. I may have to reread that one now that I'm looking Georgiana up on Wiki everything.

When the Duke threatens to take Georgiana's children away as a method of controlling her it was absolutely heartwrenching for me to watch.

There are also interesting bits, like Georgiana using her influence and even fashion as a means of influencing political change although she herself had no right to vote.

Anyway, I won't spoil anymore for you, but I think the movie is worth a watch. And although it's not the first of it's kind I thought it was well done. Fiennes gives and amazing performance and Knightly was also very impressive. I think this was the most diverse and challenging role I've seen her in so far.

For Mom

2008-09-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

Natural Birth vs. Medicated Birth
Breast vs. Bottle
Immunization vs. Not Immunizing
Sleep Training vs. Cosleeping
Attachment vs. Traditional Parenting

These parenting issues are loaded, emotional and intense. The debates around these issues fly furiously. A new mother's head swirls with advice from 'experts,' friends, her mother, her mother-in-law, her sisters and strangers at the grocery store.

As a parent of an infant I have been often lauded by strangers for my children's beauty and 'goodness' if they catch them in a good mood. Sometimes it feels like if anyone approves of a parenting choice I've made like natural birth, breastfeeding and letting my baby fuss to learn to sleep I get congratulated, praised and practically given a medal of honor. Likewise, as you may know, you can get berated for any choice a passerby does not approve of.

What happens once you are past the infant stage? Somtimes it seems once you leave the baby years behind you also leave a bit of the lime light and with it most of the praise. People make birth art and breastfeeing art and jewelry. As important as these early years are there's more to parenting then just those years. So much more! A whole lifetime. As my sister said, "No one hands you a medal for helping your kid with math homework---where's the pin for that?"

As Peanut gets older I realize there is lots of important work still ahead for me.

No one is going give to me a medal for:

Teaching her all those Bible stories or

Dressing up like a robot (and walking down Broadway in the costume--dryer vents on legs!) for my daughter's Kindergarten Halloween party or

Helping my her with her 4th grade panoramic box for Social Studies or

Getting her a cat even though I don't like them or

Building that terrarium for her 6th grade Science Project or

Throwing her a super cool big 14th birthday party or

Reminding her to put on sunblock or

Teaching her how to cook pasta and bake hamentachen or

Sneaking icecream into a movie theatre in my purse or

Talking her out of that mustard colored coat or

Sending her to private school because she's too intimidated of the big public schools or

Moving to a new apartment in a more walkable neighborhood so she can get around or

Driving her to and from school every day because she is afraid to take the bus (even though it means totally rearranging my work schedule) or

Going to a church that's better for her then for me right now or

Teaching her to drive or

Driving with fun music turned WAY up in the car or

Creating an art space for her wherever we go or

Telling her that she can always call me if she's in trouble NO MATTER WHAT, because what really matters is that she comes home safe, not that she got drunk or did something stupid or

Typing her 10th grade English papers at my office or

Getting her out of gym class by taking her swing dancing every week or

Letting her blast U2 up in the attic even though I can't stand those guys or

Paying for her fabulous Jackie O. style prom dress or

Helping her sew her graduation dress or

Being sweet to her boyfriend when he breaks the kitchen light or

Letting her set up house in Boston when she was only 18 years old or

Throwing her a bridal shower or

Paying for her very fabulous wedding dress or

Helping her set up house in Illinois three times or

Throwing her a surprise baby shower with her sisters at Apricots or

Caring for her for a week when her first baby is born or

Staying with her for another week and even helping her pee when her second baby is born or

Staying up late with a fussy baby so she can sleep or

Letting her crash at my house for 24 hours anytime she drives to the east coast or

Adding Daily U2 to my Facebook Applications to try to finally understand...

But maybe someone should.

I love you Mom! I know it hasn't all been roses, but I'm glad we had eachother. I'm glad you are my mom. Thanks for all of this and so much more....

Elsewhere

2008-08-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Since I have access to my computer more evenings then before I've decided to devote more time to my family blog. Most of you regular readers have that address (it is not a publicly listed blog so sorry to my one non-friend and relation reader). Perhaps I will rejoin this part of the blogosphere at another time, but with a hubby starting grad school in the fall it may not be so...

We'll see.

I enjoy reading your blogs and appreciate the friendship I've found with you via blogging. I will continue to drop and read your blogs so this is not goodbye it's just a pause on this part of my blogging life.

Fairies, Food and Fossil Fuels

2008-05-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have a lovely garden in my backyard. It's so lovely that a new plant shows up every year. They like to move in without filling out an application. Last year it was wild strawberries. This year I can't even figure out what the new plant is.

I'd love to spend more time out in the garden, but it gets frustrating. The girls still need quite a bit of management when we are out there. When we first moved it was fairly overgrown. My mom helped me get it under control. Then I got pregnant and took to feeling exhausted and nauseated all the time. Then weeding out in the hot summer made me feel like passing out. So it got out of control again. Then I had a new baby. Not much gardening happening then. Once I had a toddler I got out and about again. You can see how she could even help out a bit! I kept the jungle of weeds slightly at bay. Then I got pregnant again. Back to the jungle.

Now I have a wee tot and a preschooler and gardening is seeming almost possible again. If only Sweetpea would learn to go down the toddler slide by herself! Peanut and I wacked down the weeds and pulled up the grass growing in the garden bed. I have dreams of planting a beautiful fairy garden for Peanut. She would love nothing more.

However, for now I've chosen to plant some food. One reason is that, as stated in this CNN article by Rachel Oliver, "Eating ethically is no easy task these days." I've been challenged by my friend and also one of my favorite cookbooks to really think about the food I eat. So I decided to start small and see what happens.

The above quoted CNN article sites, "To feed an average family of four in the developed world uses up the equivalent of 930 gallons of gasoline a year -- just shy of the 1,070 gallons that same family would use up each year to power their cars."

I can't really live in constant fear about Peak Oil, but I can probably grow my own tomatoes instead of getting them driven in from across the country. So far I planted some lettuce and beans and plan to plant some tomatoes and basil next. Fairies probably like beans too, right? I'd also love to grow garlic, but don't want to get overwhelmed. We'll see if we can keep the bunnies away...perhaps the fairies can help with that. I am told I need to plant marigolds and nasturtium to deter them. Any other advice about bunnies in the garden?

If you Meet a Fairy

2008-04-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

Peanut has begun to speak in "Fairy Language" about 40% of the time. If you ask her what she wants for breakfast the response is likely to be, "Mee na sal." At first I thought she was just spouting nonsense so I would repeat myself, "Peanut, can you tell Mommy what you want for breakfast?" She would simply answer, "I just did."

When playing with her she will chatter away like usual but then also throw in all kinds of fairy words. For example, "Come over here! Mee na seely pa on top. Then we spin around."

If she gets grumpy her voice drops and becomes gruff, "Mee na ta pa.Sho go la!" She storms off and crosses her arms.

I keep looking for patterns in the words so that I can perhaps learn to speak this mysterious language. So far all I've really discerned is that "Seely" means "Thank you." Oh, also my current findings indicate that fairies may actually count in plain English.

So, if you meet a fairy will you please ask her if she knows of any good English-Fairy dictionaries. Perhaps she has email and could tutor me in the ways of Fairy culture? And, please remember to tell her, "Seely!" for all her help.

Rocking

2008-04-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

We have a little toddler rocking horse that my Dad gave to Sweetpea forher birthday. She LOVES to rock on it and gets it going fast enough to just about tip over. Peanut also loves rocking on the horse and it is a great indoor pass time considering earlier this week we had cold rain and flurries here.

We have also discovered another great use for the rocking horse. Peanut who has incredible trouble sitting still (we think she may possibly end up with a diagnosis of ADHD later in life) can not abide sitting through most meal times. She is not a big fan of chewing either which doesn't help, but mostly I think that having to sit through a meal is almost unbearable. She will try to eat and then gets up and plays or climbs all over her chair until she falls out and then we coax her into taking another bite and we go through the acrobatics again.

Recently I've been letting her sit on her rocking horse at a low snack table for lunches. She almost always finishes her lunch without getting up and without complaining! She rocks away as she snacks. I may do this for dinners too.

So....if you have a wiggly little one who is old enough to keep herslef or himself on a rocking horse, to not ready to sit through a meal maybe you can give it a try too!

Earth Hour

2008-03-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I did not plan on spending Earth Hour alone, but Daddy-O received an invitation to go out with the guys and that's always a worthy cause. He is super extroverted and really comes back refreshed and energized from being with his friends. It's always good for him and for our family if he gets time with his good friends. I used to be really jealous of his time, but as we've settled into our marriage I've chilled out and learned to value his time with his friends almost as much as he does. Plus, that means I get to have a quiet night alone! Ah, being alone something that's not possible for even one minute during the day now that I am a mom. I get to go have nights out with my friends too so don't worry about that.

Alright, this is supposed to be about Earth Hour. Anyway, I had other plans in mind for our hour in the dark(you know the kind involving the husband's help), but since plans changed I didn't really know what to do with myself alone in the dark for an hour (go ahead and insert your own joke about helping myself out a little).

I lit a candle and wandered around for a bit. It was funny how little I could really see. You know in period films when a character walks down the hall with a candle and everything around them glows--or they read in secret by candlelight....nope...not like that at all. I realized then the importance of putting things back where they belong...in the dark you trip over all kinds of stuff.

I finally settled on reading a bit of my Bible Study by candlelight and praying. It was too hard to read which was good for me since I have been avoiding concentrated times of prayer (alone prayer anyway). It was at first uncomfortable and then refreshing to go before God alone, vulnerable in the quiet and dark. He always meets me when I come.Why do I always hesitate?

Our household's Earth Hour was more like Earth 45 minutes as my prayer time was interrupted by the sound of "No, no pony, up here! Now we cross the river.....watch out! Ahhhhhh!" I guess Peanut hadn't gone to sleep. She had turned her light on and had been playing quietly until the above mentioned crescendo. So much for quiet, alone and dark. Took me a while to get her settled down again.

Random thoughts---not many lights in my neighborhood were out. That disappointment me.
I thought Google's hat tip to Earth Hour today was super cool.

Did you participate? What did you and your families do for the hour?

Getting a little Green Help

2008-03-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

When I got pregnant with Peanut I had already been educating women about pregnancy and taking care of their bodies for a while. And yet when I got pregnant it ALL hit home. Everything I eat the baby eats. The baby breaths what I breath. The baby drinks what I drink.

I was barely into my second trimester when we discovered some problems with our our heating/ac system including a hole in the venting around it. We were warned about the risk for carbon monoxide leaking out from the hole in the venting. Daddy-O was pretty calm because we have a working carbon monoxide detector and he was confident he could do the repairs himself over the weekend. I think it was only a Thursday or Friday though. I freaked out. Carbon Monoxide? Who cares about me or you babe (no offense) but the baby! What if the baby is more sensitive (they are so small)? Daddy-O obligingly found a way to seal the hole temporarily and then did an awesome job replacing all the venting over the weekend. I still have no idea if my fears were rational, but there was something in me that rejected the idea that a small risk to us in our home was not a big deal for the baby.

I think during my pregnancy is also when I really started to get even more into being environmentally conscious . I was aware that I wasn't just doing whatever I could to protect my baby in utero or in my home, but also in the greater world in which she would live. I was recycling more, using less chemical cleaners, eating more organic foods. I've continued to take small steps over the years to keep moving forward in those efforts.

I've had so many questions and concerns on this journey though...

I read this other cool book and started to wonder if I am increasing Peanut's risk for ADHD envrionmental hazards in our own home.
If my home environments impacts my child's risk for a learning challenge then what else am I putting my kids at risk for?
I don't want to spray my lawn with chemicals, but my neighbors poo-poo my yard upkeep and yes, the weeds are out of control.
Are those new light bulbs really that great?
How can I make my own green cleaner that doesn't stink like vinegar so badly that Daddy-O will actually use it?

Someone out there finally answered all of my questions! I think I may have actually found my 'Going Green Bible.' Healthy Child, Healthy World by Christopher Gavin isn't a feel good self-help book, it's a book that when you read it as a mama you cringe at many of the things you read and you change things, even small things that same day. At least that was my experience.

I think if all of this world of environmental hazards and risks and cautions was brand new to me I would be overwhelmed reading this book.Yet, I wish it had been around earlier! I might have done some things differently...I might have had some questions answered sooner.

As this experience taught me we can't control everything that happens...no matter how hard we try. For some horrible and unknown reason parents sometimes outlive their children .and sometimes never even meet their children. We do everything we can to protect them and sometimes it is just not up to us. Yet, I still want to do everything that is within my control...I want to try my best and do whatever I knowingly can do to indeed give my children a healthy and safe place to live and grow...however long I am blessed to have them with me.

Of course it gets overwhelming trying to make green changes. Sometimes it seems impossible to make a difference or to change my habits. I could drive myself nuts and that wouldn't be helpful for my kids either. Sometimes it's WAY easier to drive through Arby's then to pack a lunch with two kids plastered to my knees. That's why I love the "parent blogs" in this book where contributors (including Michelle Obama, Gweneth Paltrow, Kate Hudson and Brooke Shields) tell their stories and then all encourage the reader NOT to PANIC and to just take small meaningful steps. Phew! Thanks Mrs. Obama--I needed that reminder!

I also have to say I love the wealth of resources and information all compiled within this one book. No more surfing around endless websites and trying to keep track of it all in my brain. The info I am looking for is very likely at least touched on in this book. Another great relief for busy me.

There are many practical little tips and recipes for alternative/green products you can make yourself. The cleaner I use is no longer ultra stinky! Check! Now onto some new questions...

Could Sweetpea's endless cycle of colds really be related to environmental allergies?
Can I improve Sweetpea's sleeping conditions, breathing conditions, nutrition?
Is low iron really a risk factor for ADHD?
Should I get Peanut tested for low iron?
Will castille soap really kill pests and weeds?
Can we really make a lasting difference for good on this planet?

I'd love to hear from you...what are your favorite resources for going green? What are your favorite tips? How do you teach your kids about green living?

This has been part of a Mother Talk Blog Tour. To read what other bloggers are saying about the book go to Mother Talk's Website and enjoy!

Mama Drama (True Peanut stories part 1)

2008-03-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

Setting: Ballet class

I drop her off. She exuberantly skips over to the teacher, chats her up then sits on her spot beaming and wiggling. I settle Sweetpea in the Ergo. I peek in the class window. Peanut is dancing, smiling, giggling, playing with the other ballerinas. I go walk the track, which is just down the hall, with Sweetpea on my back. Come back to the window and see Peanut still having a ball. I ask a nearby mom who's been waiting if all went well (she graciously comes and gets me on the track if Peanut has a problem). No problems.

Class ends. What seems like dozens of pink legs and tutus swish out of the room into waiting arms. Giggles, greetings, demands for drinks and potty breaks resound in the hall. The Mommys all say, "Hello ballerina? How was ballet class? Did you have fun?" Little heads nod, little voices say, "Yeah!"

I welcome Peanut who runs right past these loving arms with a mischievous grin on her face. I catch up with her. I still do my duty with a smile on my face, "Hello ballerina? How was ballet class?"

The response?

"I just didn't really have a great time. I was pretty grumpy. I just didn't Obey Miss Sandy. I cried and cried."

Scene.

Why

2008-03-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

I've never really been very involved or informed about politics. What little I knew or looked into always frustrated me. In the past I've chosen to abstain from political conversations and even voting because of feeling, well just "Blagh" or yucky about it all.

However, I have taken more interest as I've entered more fully into adult roles. Yet, I would never have dreamed of being so excited or passionate about a candidate as I am now. Why is that?

Well, I really respect Senator Obama. Why?

Below you'll find one great reason:
If you haven't read or watched this speech please do. Even if you aren't an Obama supporter I encourage you to listen. It's about 30 minutes long. If you can get to 15-16 minutes into it I think you will probably be interested in hearing the rest too. His humility and openness about even his faults or mistakes continue to take me off guard in a refreshing way.

The Sweetest Thing

2008-03-20T20:43:00.001-07:00

Stuck in a moment

2008-03-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

So a couple nights ago Peanut nearly choked on a quarter.

We had girl night with friends. We stayed up a little late. We were on our way out the door---it was a bit hectic of course....fussy Sweetpea, fussy Peanut. Just as we were leaving Peanut grabbed some of my friend's change...it only half registered with me because it was a little chaotic. (Aside--she has played with this change a hundred times with us watching, never has put it in her mouth).

I buckled the girls in the car. Then I put my back pack in the front seat and then I checked on them before I got in my seat. Peanut had her finger down her throat. She couldn't talk.She turned purple. Before she turned purple I thought she had something stuck in her throat and then I realized she was really choking and I unbuckled her ready to pull out my Heimlich Maneuver when she threw up. This was a relief because she then started breathing again.

I didn't really totally figure it out what had happened until she confirmed it for me after I cleaned her up. I had heard the quarter drop on the ground, but wasn't 100% sure that's why she had thrown up until she told me that, "the money got stuck in her mouth." I thought maybe she had just dropped the quarter, but no indeed it had been in her throat.

I am overwhelming grateful that it came out safely after a couple of very distressing minutes that felt like an ETERNITY. Pretty much it's the scariest moment of motherhood I've had so far. I was in no hurry to get her to bed that night and I had an overwhelming compulsion to check on her about every 15 minutes once she was in bed to make sure she was still breathing. It's like she was a newborn again.

She and I are both still pretty shaken up by the experience. Last night she wanted me to stay with her until she fell asleep, and she did actually fall asleep with me holding her hand. This is very unusual for her. She normally would chatter just at me for an hour if I was in her room.

As I reflected on that evening I wanted to blame someone. I wanted to blame my friend for keeping her change within the reach of little hands. I wanted to blame Peanut for putting that quarter in her mouth even when she has heard me warn her a hundred times! Alas, Peanut is only three and my friend is a good friend who would never ever knowingly put my child at risk. The truth is I missed it....that moment to put the change back before we got in the car and I missed the split second in which she put it in her mouth. I am also trying my very best not to replay the scene in my mind too often. How did I miss it? What if? I can't catch everything at every moment, but I have of course increased my vigilance once again. I am sure I will again grow comfortable and perhaps too comfortable.

Yet, now I am more keenly aware of how little control we really have no matter how careful we think we are being. There is always going to be some time she is not in my line of site: when she has her quiet rest in her room, next fall when she goes to preschool, someday I will be apart from her for more then 24 hours for the first time, she might go to camp, or college or backpack across Europe. As a good friend says, "anything could happen at any time and we need to love the moment we're in fully."

I am thankful that Someone else had His hand on her protecting her that night and that He always will. Now I'll just have to learn to let her go into His hands....guide me gently Lord.

Birds of a feather

2008-03-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

You know the saying birds of a feather flock together? I tend to do that with my friends. Even when I want to break out of my mold and befriend someone different then me I end up realizing they are really very much like me. Did I do this with my mate too? Nope! We are definitely the "opposites attract" couple. He's got the strategic/math mind. I've got the artistic/visionary mind. He's an extrovert. I'm and introvert. He loves to go out; I'm a homebody. I hate roller coasters! He loves them!

So what happens when a Highly Sensitive Person prone to depression marries someone with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and a desire to take risks?

A dear friend, who is possibly the only person I know who has even more HSP tendencies then me, thinks she and I may be the ones to answer this question. We've joked about writing a book together. Boy I'd need her help writing! BTW, I do not claim that her family has the depression and risk taking issues...yeah, that'd be my family.

Here's a little preview...

Title:
The HSP and ADHD Couple:
Learning to live together before someone's head explodes.

Chapter 1: Optimal stimulation and you (no it's not the sex chapter)

Chapter 2: Understanding your ADHD mate---why he cranks the music up

Chapter 3: Understanding your HSP mate--why she melts down when you say hello

Chapter 4: Going beyond compromise, giving grace

Chapter 5: Going in circles--how to keep from getting sucked down emotional drains

Chapter 6: Secondary symptoms and traits--depression, addiction, artist, entrepreneur.

Chapter 7: Your poor children are they in for it!

Chapter 8: Psychotropic Drugs the key to marital harmony

I love my husband. The places I'm weak he is strong. I'm really thankful to be on this roller coaster of an adventure called life with him. He can help me laugh when I'm afraid and get me to take a peak when all I want to do is "close my eyes and make it go away." (that's a golden quote cup opportunity--come on B&P you know it).

How about you and your spouse? Are you birds of a feather or opposites?

Earthy Birthy Mama Says a Mouthful

2008-02-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

As you may know I am a doula. I have been attending births on and off since 1999. I have also taught some childbirth education classes. I still do not consider myself an expert on childbirth, but I have been around the block a bit. I am not anti-OB and not anti-medicine, but I am also not 100% supportive of the model of maternity care the US has been locked into for the past several decades.

I am very supportive of women educating themselves about the birth process and finding a care provider who supports them and their wishes for their birth, someone they can trust to inform, guide and give quality care, and not dictate every step of the process. The care provider could be an OB at a hospital or a midwife at home. I am very supportive of midwifery model of care. I have delivered both of my babies with Certified Nurse Midwives. One at the hospital and one at home. Both were wonderful births. Here in Illinois a Midwife can not practice legally unless she also has a nursing degree. Using a Certified Professional Midwives or Direct Entry Midwife is not really option unless you want to go under the radar and hire someone who probably lives in Indiana.

Some of you may have been hearing the buzz about ACOG's statement on home birth.

ACOG has basically come out saying they can not support home birth as a safe practice, period. The statement suggests that women choose home birth either out of ignorance or to conform to the latest trends. Not only that they imply (more then imply!) that the high cesarean rate in America is the fault of us women for either choosing it, or being too fat and old and unhealthy to deliver vaginally. At least that sure is how it reads!

Now, I am not surprised that ACOG has finally formalized their stance against home birth in the form of an official statement. Nor have I ever expected ACOG to down in strong support of home birth or of midwives, especially those who do not have a nursing degree...they are after all in a different camp. However, the language in the statement is harsh and accusatory toward the women that they are meant to be caring for and also unsupported by statistics. However, I am guessing that the issue is not really that home birth is never safe because many studies have shown it is safe, especially for low risk women, including those conducted by World Health Organization and The British Journal of Medicine, but that OB/Gyn's and ACOG can not support home birth and will not attend home birth because of liability issues. Medical Liability costs in this country are soaring and it is affecting the way OB/Gyn's practice. ACOG released a study in 2006 showing that the way Obstectrics are practiced has been negatively affected of late by physicians fears of being sued. Here are a few of the many statistics they released:

"Changes made by ACOG Fellows because of the risk of liability claims or fear of being sued:

Decreased the number of high-risk obstetric patients-33%
Stopped offering/performing VBACs—33%
Increased the number of cesarean deliveries—37%"

So it is not surprising that ACOG will not support home birth. Nor is it surprising that you can hardly find practitioners to perform home births anymore since it seems they are all afraid of law suits and also can not even afford their own liability insurance. I like the way ICAN phrased the problem with what is happening, "Women and children should not bear the brunt of malpractice risks being conveyed into physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health risks in order to protect their physicians."

As for the accusations that women are choosing home birth to be trendy, popular with a clique of girlfriends or simply out of ignorance I strongly disagree. I think that women are becoming more aware and more informed about birth and they want more choices and a different quality of care then hospital births are able to provide. I believe women are doing more research and are very strongly considering the outcomes for their baby and themselves when they choose home birth. To state that women who choose home birth are putting the birth process over the safety of their babies is condescending, patronizing and overly moralizes the issue. I know for myself that if at any point I thought I was putting my baby at risk I would have changed plans. My midwife also would have changed plans as her primary concern was also the safety of my baby and myself.

Home birth is not for everyone. Some people really need hospitals and interventions to save their lives and the lives of their babies. Thank God we have modern medicine for those circumstances. However, it shouldn't be any trade union or liability insurance costs that decides how and where women have babies. It should be each woman deciding with her family having the guidance (and certainly not guilt tripping) of a trusted care provider what is best for her and her baby.

I think instead of pointing fingers we need to find a way to provide more safe options for women including more free standing birth centers and more home birth practitioners from both the OB camp and the midwifery camp. Wouldn't it be great if OBs, CNMs and CPMs could all actually work together in a supportive fashion to give the best maternity care to women in this country?

Well, now that my brain hurts I may have to actually stop there. I think I have more to say, but I will probably just begin to ramble. Check out some of the links below. If you have written about this issue post your link in the comments so I can check it out. Thanks for listening and happy birthing in whatever manner you choose! Perhaps I'll tell you my birth stories someday soon.

Oh, to my knowledge ACOG has not done their own study on home birth.

More Fun Related Reading:

ICAN's full response to the ACOG statement on home birth: ICAN Responds
Check out Crunchy Domestic Goddess' post at Blogher

Interesting article from Boston Magazine about women in Boston questioning their maternity care.

We interrupt our programming....

2008-02-13T13:39:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

I am still working on that juicy post about home birthing and such, but I had to jump in to show you this interesting baby carrier at the Polkadot Platypus. Check it out. It's a new one to me and I'm obsessed with them.They are having a giveaway so enter in!

Thank you Two Square Meals and Bub and Pie for your comments on the ACOG statement. One of the reasons that I am taking so long to write this post is because I believe the issue to be more complex then either 'side' would like it to be.

Enjoy your day and your baby carriers!

More to come

2008-02-12T20:09:00.000-08:00

Well, since ACOG has resorted to name calling I suppose I'll have to respond with my defense of why I am an earthy birthy girl (sort of).

For now, I had a safe home birth ACOG and I chose it after much research and thought.

Na na na boo boo!

More details to come....

11 minutes of sunlight

2008-02-10T20:37:00.000-08:00

I think I spent most of last week in bed. We ran out of bread, butter, milk, eggs. I didn't go to the store. As of the 8th of February our area had been graced with only 11 minutes of sunlight for the month.

We had sunshine today. Bright white warming through the window. I nursed the baby in the rocker by the window this morning. It is a spot that has been long abandoned due to the cold draft. I decided it was actually worth it to open the drapes today. Hope. Spring lingers out there somewhere ahead.

It was -1 degree Fahrenheit outside. The shock of the cold as we opened the door to go to our little house church took my breath away and stung my skin. I hadn't made Peanut wear her mittens poor thing, but they probably wouldn't have helped much anyway. We raced on to the car. She sat with her hands under her legs on the drive. We arrived at the house and dashed again to get out of the cold. Anyone we saw getting out of a car was making the same mad dash.

During the little service we were asked to reflect on the message in the Bible given by James. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

We are asked during Lent to examine our own faith (not the faith of others). Is it true, lasting, authentic? What would it look like if it were? Have we merely been inoculated with enough faith to keep us from catching the real thing? Are we willing to go through the difficult process, through trials and suffering so that we can look more like Christ who is the real thing? Or do we just want to skip to the end and just figure we'll get to play that "get out of jail free" card. Is it possible that God is really more interested in changing hearts and transforming lives then in handing out admission tickets to heaven?Are we willing to let God cut and strip away all the excess of ourselves so that Christ is revealed in us?

I know that I have so much fear of truly surrendering to this process. I sometimes avoid praying or taking the time to read the words of Christ because I get anxious that I may really have to do my life differently. I may really have to give my coat away. I may actually have to forgive you again. I may have to give up what I want and need for someone else. Isn't motherhood a big enough challenge in that area? I am afraid that what is stripped away will leave nothing of myself or at least none of my comforts. Strange to fear such things from the One I call Comforter. My Rock into whom I can run and hide. When He wants to change me it doesn't feel like the safe place to run, but as the Beaver said about Aslan, "Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Gloria

I try to sing this song
I, I try to stand up
But I can't find my feet.
I, I try to speak up
But only in you I'm complete.

Gloria
In te domine
Gloria
Exultate
Gloria
Gloria
Oh, Lord, loosen my lips.

I try to sing this song
I, I try to get in
But I can't find the door
The door is open
You're standing there, you let me in.

Gloria
In te domine
Gloria
Exultate
Oh, Lord, if I had anything, anything at all
I'd give it to you.

Gloria
In te domine
Gloria
Gloria

~U2

Magical

2008-02-06T07:28:00.000-08:00

Sweetpea has started walking! This is amazing in it's own right. The blessed side affect of this fantastic development is that Peanut now views Sweetpea as a playmate. There are still many squabbles to be sure, but never before has Peanut invited Sweetpea into playing with her like she is now. Throughout the day Peanut will say, "Does Sweetpea want to spin in the chair with me?"...."Does Sweetpea want to paint?" "Sweetpea, come over here....let's play!"

I am so thankful that their relationship is beginning to take shape in such a special way. Perhaps those 20 months apart are beginning to close just a little bit. Not to mention I have accomplished the unbelievable and impossible-- emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry and brushing my teeth.

Regular Preschooler or ADD Child

2008-02-04T12:28:00.000-08:00

We have been learning alot about ADD/ADHD around here since Daddy-O was handed a book called Delivered from Distraction by a good friend. He has had it recommended to him several times, but as anyone with ADD knows actually having it put into his hands was the only way he was actually going to pick it up.

Daddy-O has often joked and teased me about Peanut being having ADD. I have shrugged it off and always answered defensively, "Oh, she's only a baby!" or "She's only a toddler!" We have now entered (only just) the realm of the preschooler, but it's hit fast and hard. Peanut asks, "Why?" constantly, wants to "go to school" wants to learn about everything, do everything herself and negotiates constantly. As she continues to develop into the smarty pants that she is I keep noticing that she is still very easily distracted. Her inability to sit quietly for short periods is not improving. She is not growing out of these things and indeed there are days it feels like she is growing into them even more. She is not hyperactive by any means, but ADHD can be present without hyperactivity (especially in girls).

She usually can't stand things that take high levels of concentration and quiet activity alone like coloring in a coloring book. Forget it. She finds it very boring and frustrating. She'll play games for about 5 minutes with high engagement from an adult. She is very big on putting things in bags...everything in bags. She is not good at organizing or sorting out her toys. She enjoys sorting activities, but only if the items are very interesting like pretty jewels that she can pretend are dragon eggs. She most of all loves to dance, run, move, act and pretend.

Some of the traits of ADD--positive and negative--describe her (and maybe tots in general) to a tee.

high energy & intense (mentally and physically)
a creative thinker (she doesn't usually play with toys in a conventional manner and loves imagining more then most kids her age)
lack of inhibition (she often hugs random strangers)
a sense of urgency about everything she wants or sees (in the 30 second walk from her bedroom to the kitchen for breakfast there are about 15 requests and at least 5 stops along the way)

These traits make me think about her likelihood of having or at least being genetically predisposed to developing ADD. It is too soon to tell as she is really still very young and nothing is causing a true problem. So while most days I just still say she's just just a regular three year old girl who doesn't have a long attention span and has lots of energy to wiggle out of her little body there are days like today when after 1 minute at the table for lunch she says to me, "Mom, I can’t sit around anymore. I get bored," that make me wonder.

When will I learn?

2008-01-24T13:48:00.000-08:00

For the past 3 days my first response to my energetic and precocious 3 year old's voice has been to secretly dive straight for some chocolate. I can't get warm. I can't get out of bed. I can't manage to get out the door or make dinner or keep the house clean. I can't fit into my pants. Why oh why????

Yup....PMS.

The truth about the potty or When Peanut Met Potty

2008-01-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to share our potty journey for a while as I hear other moms talk wonder about when to start potty training. Our story is not dramatic, but I feel like if I had heard more about the process when I first started I wouldn't have been so frustrated along the way. Also, this was partly inspired by this post by Bub and Pie.

When I first started reading about potty training I thought it sounded well, horrible. I also wasn't so convinced that it could be achieved so quickly as the books and web articles seemed to claim, but it seemed like if your kid had all the signs of readiness that some major success could be achieved within 3-7 days. I had heard about people getting frustrated and not having success and of course witnessed and heard stories about all the accidents and set backs along the way. However I dreamed of the end result...the diaper free zone!

Poor Peanut used to get horrible diaper rashes and that caused me to switch to cloth diapers and also to allow frequent and lengthy diaper free times even when she was only a year old. We were not potty training nor were we officially doing elimination communication. There were a few times we caught a movement into the potty, but it was not my ultimate goal for her to use the potty at that time. My goal was for her to have a pain free bottom.

All of this naked time did spark quite an interest in Peanut about the potty and all the bodily functions involved. She started to make friends with the potty around 15 months. She wanted to mimic me. She would happily sit on it reading, listening to tunes, pretending. Again, sometimes we'd catch something---if she could sit there long enough, but I never considered this training. At around 18 months of age she showed definite interest in training...on the early side yes, but she'd ask to go and would often actually have some success. She also did not like feeling wet and was verbal enough to use all the appropriate terminology. With a baby being due in a few months I figured it was now or not until the new baby was 6 months old. Well, we went for it. I rolled up the rugs. I let her get wet. She trained and did well. After about a week we even made it out of the house diaper free toting our little potty everywhere. I had to remind her to try to go, but she would go. I kinda felt like I was more trained then she was, but it was exciting and there was progress. We had accidents, but mostly only if she was very very distracted. The biggest problem we had was actually that she would hold it for very long periods of time. This was so frustrating! She would not sit down to go. She would hold it and hold it until she got grumpy. She still wore diapers at nap and bedtime. So the other problem was that if she had not pooped before nap she would certainly poop at some point during or right after her nap without calling me.

Anyway, she was as trained as a very young toddler can be in my opinion. However, she then got a urinary tract infection and we went back to diapers to encourage her to go more frequently. She got used to it and with baby's delivery rapidly approaching I decided to let it go until another time. We left the potty around and allowed her to mimic or try when she initiated it--basically back to being just friends, but not intimate with the potty.

Well, shortly after Sweetpea was born she showed strong interest and would ask to go potty. I was still overwhelmed adjusting to having two babies now. So I helped her when I could, but I waited. I waited. I waited. She kept asking to go. I can not remember the exact month we started. I think Sweetpea was about 2 or 3 months old. Anyway, I picked a week to roll up the rugs and we went for it. I had baby on the breast while potty training the two year old. UGH! That was probably the worst bit for me. After a week we were back to being diaper free except for nap and bedtime. Again we toted the potty everywhere. Peanut is very petite. Big toilets really frightened her and made her feel like she was gonna fall in (even with an insert). I did get a portable folding insert potty seat, but we had limited success because she preferred to just hold it. Toting the potty around was a pain, but again worth it.

If I could get her right when she woke from her nap we'd go to the potty in time for pooping. This meant shorter breaks for me because she used to stay in her room and play quietly until she was totally done pooping. I had to sacrifice those extra moments to sit in the bathroom with her to read her a story. I think it was a good trade off.

Still the progress has been so gradual and she has been trained for so long that I can not even tell you how long it took until she started to go diaper free at nap. Probably a few months after she trained. Then she started waking up dry at night. We used pull-ups for a while a nap and bed, but they were always dry when she woke. We knew from a few terrible isolated incidences that no diaper could contain the amount of pee she produced in one session anyway so we went to underwear. She has been "overnight trained" for months now, but the only I did to help with that was scale back her liquid intake after dinner. She's a holder so we lucked out with that.

Our two biggest successful motivators? Positive peer pressure...other kids her age or older who were comfortable letting her watch them go potty was a HUGE motivator especially at the beginning. She would immediately ask to go after watching one of them. The other? Bribery! Mostly candy. She's got a sweet tooth so a cookie, an M&M, a Jelly Bean...these worked great for her. Now, if she ever has a moment when she is reticent to go we set a timer or remind her of all her big kid friends or heroes from stories who all go potty. Oh and I almost forgot one more....Potty Books! We checked out books about going to the potty from the library--these had an amazing affect on her. She really wanted to learn after reading the books.

So how long did it take Peanut to train? A week. Well, 4 months 3 weeks. Well, 5-7 months...or maybe we aren't done yet. I mean she still needs help wiping. Some people don't consider them fully trained until they can do everything by themselves. Peanut can do it all by herself except if she's pooped, but even though she can it doesn't mean she always wants to. So, it goes on. I guess nothing is quite as simple as those internet articles.

Oh and props to Daddy-O who has been amazing through this process and a great teacher for her. He's the one who really encouraged the independence & confidence that she has in this area.

Chiming In

2008-01-22T18:17:00.000-08:00

Well this month I have been faced with challenging relationship issues and have been left feeling bewildered, drained and inadequate. I sent out a plea for help and received support back from many dear ones who chimed in and came to my defense while helping figure out my next steps. I have been exceedingly fortunate in my friends and have always had people who reciprocated the care I gave them so is the first time I've been in this strange place.

Well, many thanks dear ones for all your support!

Indulgence

2008-01-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

I am being naughty. Certainly someone will find out so I may as well tell all of you. It's dark and rainy and the children are still napping. It's 5:30pm. In my normal routine I would have woken them at 5pm to protect their usual early bedtime and my free evening, but I have a babysitter coming tonight so I don't care! Also, I had two pieces of my delicious birthday cake this afternoon. Yes 2 very big pieces! I don't think my husband (who baked it!) has even had a taste yet. I even got to take a hot shower. Oh and I didn't fold the laundry. It's right here spilling into my lap, but I ignored it and got on Google Reader. Ah, the sweetness of a few stolen moments to oneself. They are ending now as moans and squeaks and sobs are drifting into my ear from down the hall.

I am struck this week with how blessed I am. I have many thoughts on that note, but will have to share more later. For now though, many thanks to my dear sister for this birthday present....I love you Jen and Karen!

Mariane Dashwood, Dicken and Baby Jesus

2007-12-19T19:15:00.000-08:00

Peanut has a flare for the dramatic. From morning until evening elaborate pageantry ensues. There are a few live action films Peanut has seen repeatedly (usually in half hour segments). They are The Secret Garden, Mary Poppins, Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility. Mommy picks out Jane Austen flicks when Mommy is sick. Peanut much prefers real actors to cartoons (which sometimes actually scare her). Her favorite is Sense and Sensibility.

I enter into Peanut's room at 6:45am hearing her call to me. "Hi Peanut. You're awake now huh sweetie? Mommy is still really sleepy."

Peanut yawning and still rubbing sleep out of her eyes mumbles, "No, actually I'm Marianne wakin' up. You be Willoughby, okay?"

Really at any given moment she could be any character from one of the movies or stories she loves. As Christmas approaches the story of the Nativity is one of her favorite stories to play act too. She most often plays the role of Mary or baby Jesus. I am usually the angel and Sweetpea is usually a sheep. Apparently the director didn't think Sweetpea was staying still enough to play the role of baby Jesus.

The familiar story of Jesus' birth doesn't stop in Bethlehem in Peanut's mind. Oh no. Here is a typical scene from our play, I mean day.

Peanut, "You be the angel, I'll be Mary and tiny baby is my baby Jesus. Sweetpea is a sheep. Okay?"

Mommy, "Okay Mary."

Mary: Baby Jesus is cryin' angel. *head tilts to one side, a sympathetic look expressed* He wants nursies.

Angel: Oh, yes. Good idea. You are such a good mommy.

Mary: Yeah. *nurses baby*

Sheep: Eeeee!

Mary: No, a sheep says Ba! Here Angel. You hold Baby Jesus okay. *gasp* Oh look! Here come the shepherds!

Angel: Great! I told them to come see the baby.

Mary: Yeah, wrapped in swaddlin' clothes.

Angel: That's right!

Mary: Where's Jophess? (Joseph)

Angel: Uh.....he must be getting us some dinner.

Mary: Oh, maybe Thai food. Or maybe he went to get Dicken in the garden!

Angel: Maybe!

Mary: Angel. You watch Jesus. I'll be right back. I have to go see Eleanor and Marianne.

Angel: Come back soon! *Angel holds Jesus and sits down*

Sheep: Dur, dur, da da! Heeeeeeeee! *Sheep gives baby Jesus a slimy kiss*

*Mary returns walking backwards whispering and beckoning to imaginary friends*

Mary: Angel look! Here are Marianne and Willoughby! I brought them. They are my friends! See!

Angel: Oh yes wonderful! But where is Eleanor?

Mary: She's at Barton Cottage. *Gasp* Angel, it's starting to rain! Let's run!

Angel: Okay Mary----

Mary: NO! I'm actually Marianne. You be Willoughby, okay? Let's ride horsies in the rain. Come on!

Willoughby: Okay! *Sets down Baby Jesus in his manger and gallops*

Sheep: Ba!

Marianne: *galloping by in a blur* Let's go to London and find Mary Poppins and Burt!

Nearly

2007-12-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

Sweetpea, 8 days old. Photographed by our friend very talented friend Rachel.

Sweetpea, it was nearly a year ago that you were born. One year ago I was heavy, tired, swollen. I dragged your sister out with me in the cold to get photos taken of us. Just in time too. So the photos of me pregnant with you (that you will surely inherit someday) were taken one week before you were born. I was so eager to meet you and also nervous. I was (and still am) madly in love with your sister. Could I really love someone else that much again? Will I be able to give of myself that much again?

Well, you have made me fall madly in love with you too. As I made the icing for your cake today you rode in the sling and plastered yourself against my chest as the mixer whirred. I tasted the frosting. You licked your lips and looked up at me smiling, inquiring, bright. I gave you a lick. You beamed and raised your eyebrows at me. Yes, I did actually just give you that.

We had your party today, a week early, because we will be driving to your Nacky's house on your birthday. Now, it's not going to seem that great (12 hours in a car), but really really you will be so glad when you get there you will forget all about being stuck in your car seat and you'll see it was really the best birthday or Christmas present we could give you.

Today you were surrounded by friends whose names you can not say, but they are people who love you more then you may ever know. By the time you are old enough to read this blog you will know that I, Mama, have some struggles. I get blue sometimes. Real blue. Just sad for no reason. These friends who surrounded you and me and Peanut and Daddy-O today are holding us up when it's hard, like this month has been. They are caring for our family with compassion and love and prayers and dinners too. Mama is going to be okay by the way. Our God's loving arms are stronger then the blues I get and He has provided us with all kinds of good gifts to help Mama.

You were surrounded by these friends today as they watched you cover yourself in icing in the very room in which you were born. Yes, the dining room. Not three feet from where you ate your first cake is the very spot where you took your first breath in my arms. Some of these friends were there when you were born. They held you within the first hour of your life outside the womb. Your sister too held you when you were just minutes old. She doesn't hold you much now, but she gives you frequent head pats and rubs which you absolutely adore. She sometimes calls you fuzzy, "Come 'ere fuzzy wuzzy!" You have very cute curly locks.

You were mysterious to me at first. So still and peaceful, so quiet and alert. I remember frequently thinking, "Who are you little one?" It has been wonderful getting to know you...seeing you bloom and shine. Your real name is beautiful and sweetness itself just like you. You are full of hugs and laughter which you give out generously all day every day to me, Daddy, Peanut, lamby, Pooh Bear and any other soft fuzzy thing in your path....socks, napkins, towels....

You are a bit more rough and tumble then Peanut and have actually already won your first toy fight with her. Daddy-O and I kept straight faces, but we were secretly impressed. You are very determined about what you want and at times dramatic (that part just runs in the family). However, there is a peacefulness and relaxed quality you carry that is soothing. Sometimes holding you just gives me peace and calmness. You are my snuggle bug. What a joy you are.

I want to savor these last days of your true babyhood before you try to catch up to your sister too fast. Your first steps are just around the corner and I will cheer you on, but know you can stay in my arms as long as you like.

Sweetpea almost 1 year old eating her birthday cake.

I love you Sweetpea. Happy Birthday.

******
The last time I posted about depression you lovely readers expressed some concerns so I would like everyone to know that I am receiving appropriate medical care for my depression and am improving.

True Confessions of a U2 fan

2007-10-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

Recently at a worship and prayer meeting our gathering was asked if anyone had recieved any discernment or wisdom about a certain issue we'd been asked to pray about. One man spoke up and said that as he'd dwelt on the issue and prayed the song "40" by U2 kept coming into his mind. This song is based on Psalm 40 in the Old Testament. He recalled some of the words, "I waited patiently for the Lord. He inclined and heard my cry..." This man paused. We all reflected on the words. He then spoke up once again and admitted, "Of course, I'm an avid U2 fan, so just take that into consideration when weighing my comments." Laughter ensued.

I could relate to this man's comments. Sometimes Bono's voice just floats around in my head. Sometimes it's when I'm just hanging out, but sometimes it is when I'm praying too. While I'm not quite ready to start attending the U2charists, I have to admit I'm a bit keen on Eugene Peterson's idea of Bono & U2 being a prophetic voice of our age. Their lyrics and music, like all good art, communicate and evoke some deep truth that touches us (okay, mom-maybe not alof us). At times the lyrics and music of U2 can at times be like prayers for me. Especially when I am struggling or feeling broken or just very human.

“I can’t wait any longer
I can’t wait till I’m stronger
Can’t wait any longer
To see what you see
When I look at the world”

~U2, When I Look At The World

Then again, I just really like to dance and I think Bono is a beautiful man. So take my waxing lyrical with a grain of salt.

True confession of this Mama of two:
I measure a task by the average number of U2 songs it takes me to complete it.

Emptying the dishwasher: two and a half songs
Basic toy pick up: 5 songs
Sorting out all the toys after Peanut goes "bag lady" crazy: 2 albums
Basic Bathroom Cleaning: 6-7 songs
Sewing one of my cute shoulder bags: about 2 and a half albums start to finish
Driving to the nearest grocery store:2 and a half songs
Laundry: Select "U2" on the Ipod and let it shuffle for days as I wash and fold
Energizing me at the end of the day:1 great U2 song or 3 average songs

Giveaway!

2007-10-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've decided to participate in this fun Fall Y'all Giveaway.

I have wanted to finish more bags to display for you here, but this one will have to do for now.

It is a small shoulder bag made from the beautiful Freshcut line of fabrics by Heather Bailey. I just love her fabric designs and not just because she has a great name. They are fun, feminine, vintage and refreshing.

The bag is cotton, has one inside pocket and a button closure. It's cream with a green floral print and the inside is aqua with a green paisley print. It's pretty small so it's best for mom's day off or for a small bag in addition to that pesky diaper bag. I have found these bags big enough to fit a small hand held notebook or journal, my wallet and keys. Oh and I made it. :)

To enter the contest leave a comment on this post. Make sure I have a way to get back in touch with you. If you don't have a blog then leave your email address with your post. I will randomly draw a name on November 4th and send the winner the bag.

Welcome Fall Y'all visitors and good luck everyone! Here's the bag:

Projects, projects and free baby slings

2007-10-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

I am busy, busy these days carving pumpkins, baking bread, making Montessori "works" for Peanut and sewing. I have found it very satisfying to make cute little shoulder bags. When I can access my photos I will post a photos of what I am making.

Meanwhile, check out my friend Farrah's blog and enter her Fall Y'all Giveaway contest for a free babysling.

If I get enough bags made maybe I'll be able to do a giveaway someday too!

Oversharing or My Review of the Diva Cup

2007-10-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

Last month I used my Diva Cup for the first time. I've been wanting to try one for a few years, but my chances were interrupted by a couple of pregnancies.

I really liked it. It was very convenient. I did not have to pack and carry tampons and pads everywhere. It was pretty secure. It has a super cute fabric carrying pouch.

Aside from one major incident I did not have leaking issues. The major incident I had was my second try using it and the leaking was totally my fault. User error! Anyway, I worked that out. I did still wear a small light days pad on my heavy days with it and overnight mostly for security. Definitely for overnight on heavy days I think a pad is a good idea. Perhaps one of the Lunapads would be my next step there. It was pretty comfortable. Again, as a new user I kinda had to figure out how to best adjust it for security and comfort.

If you have ever used a diaphragm you can use a diva cup with no problem....same kind of insertion process, but it's bigger and actually easier to insert in my opinion because you don't have to get the whole thing way up there.

As for those bloggers who have posted about feeling all gloriously connected to their womanhood because of seeing their menstrual flow I have to honestly disagree. It was somewhat cool (I'm into biology & birthy stuff), but I'm a busy mama...not much time for basking in the glory of my womanhood...I'm living in the trenches of my womanhood. The truth is it's just a bit messier then the disposable products we are used to, but it's not super icky or awful...just different. I am sure I will get a good system down with it and it will be no big deal.

Sorry Karen, I'm just a Sox Fan...

2007-10-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

I have betrayed my roots. I am a Red Sox fan. I grew up in NY, but never was into baseball. I think my mom was the most into sports in our family and she was mostly into the Orioles from her home state. I remember a little bit of celebration over the Giants winning perhaps, but nothing much in the house about the Yankees. Ofcourse, in school, the community at large the Yankees were pride and joy. However, I never caught the fever. My sister Karen definitely caught the fever. She is a hard core Yankee fan. Boy did we have some pretty serious friction in the family over the Johnny Damon incident.

Then I met Daddy-O a DIE HARD Sox fan. Seriously he'd be depressed for days after a big loss. He's gotten a little bit of healthy distance from that since living in Illlinois, but man there are days when being a Sox fan is rough. If you want to understand then you really should rent Fever Pitch. It's humorous and accurate. If you are a Cubs fan then you know how it feels...well and maybe more so.

Daddy-O made me memorize the whole starting line up when we were dating. A tradition that continued until we gave up having television. Don't worry we did have television when they won the Series!

The first major league ball game I saw was at Fenway Park probably about 8 or 9 years ago. I knew most of the players names. I got to know about their history, where they lived, their families, their love of the game, their response to the media, who they were dating. I fell in love with them.

This season with no TV I've felt a bit disconnected. I watched a bit of Game 4 or was it 5...in the ER with Peanut. She was sick with a nasty stomach bug all week. The days have run together. The game was the only thing that distracted her from her severe stomach cramps. She cheered for Manny with me.

Tonight Game 7! Totally unexpected in my book. I had given up. Hurrah for the Sox! I sit here at home with my babes in bed glued to mlb.com while Daddy-O is out at a friend's representing our family's fandom in front of their cable tv purchased specifically for watching their beloved Cubs play. Here's a fun letter brought to my attention by Karen as a peace offering. It was written by a fan to encourage my Red Sox to cowboy up. Thanks K-K....you know I love you more then baseball.

I LUV BONO

2007-10-03T18:34:00.001-07:00

Yeah, that's right I started a band called I LUV BONO. So far we've only played a few small venues, but I am confident we'll be getting some big gigs soon. Plus my sugar daddy bought me a new outfit for my next gig.

I confess. I enjoyed Guitar Hero and probably played as much or more then Daddy-O last night. Maybe I finally have a hobby. Mommy, AKA "Guitar Hero." Okay, maybe not. It is a very fun game though. Also, very humurous. I mean you can play the song Trogdor. How great is that? Props to the creative minds behind this game.

Homestar's Trogdor email can be found burninating here.

Too much

2007-10-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of posting in recent weeks. I have been quite short on free time and the blog is getting the short end of the stick. Also, I have just been so overwhelmed with all the news from beloved Burma (a place special to me and my family) and can not think about writing anything unless it's about Burma. Yet, I do not have enough time or energy to really write about the situation there since it is so disturbing and overwhelming to me. So, I've been stuck. Thanks for checking in readers. It's impressive that any of you are still out there.

I'm gonna go ahead and ramble a bit and see if I can't get back into communication with you..

What's going on here? I am dreaming of going back to work part time or just having hobbies these days so that I can feel like someone other then "Mom." I am cooking up all kinds of awesome craft ideas that would make great Christmas gifts, but I will likely never finish. I am researching home school curriculum to help fill my days with Peanut who is too young for preschool here and bored out of her mind here at home. Our diet is going well. I am cooking up a storm these days now that we can eat beans. Daddy-O is contemplating Business School. Peanut will start attending a program called the Atrium (it's like a Montessori Sunday school). We are still church hunting and still at a loss about that.

I am sitting here waiting for Daddy-O to return so he can subject me to hours and hours of watching him play "Guitar Hero" on his new X-Box. Let me just say it's good he got a side job that pays for the hobbies. :-) I need a side job to pay for my hobbies! Instead I've entered my name into some giveaway competitions. Fall's seems to be the time for that. You can check out this one for a cool children's book from my friend Catherine at Opinionated. Good luck!

The things we take for granted.

2007-09-29T18:31:00.001-07:00

Junta Hampering Food Movement;

Hunger Big Danger, Says UN

http://www.actionburma.com/

Burma updates

2007-09-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

The government crack downs in Burma have begun as suspected. Police have been making mulitple arrests. Reports of the police firing above and into a crowd are circulating. There are also unconfirmed reports of 3 monks being killed as well as a woman. News is Burma is quite restricted so it is difficult to get an accurate picture of what is going on.

Read more at Irrawady.org

Walk On

2007-09-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

As protestors swell the streets of Burma my heart goes out to Aung San Suu Kyi, the people of Burma, the monks who are leading the protests. The street scenes we see pictured here strike me as so different from the subdued quiet whispering people my sister, father and I had the privilege to meet several years ago. Please go read my sister's beautiful post (if you haven't yet) and then check out the news and photos.

Mizzima
Yahoo on Burma
BBC on Burma

" And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed, to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly, for freedom..."

~U2

In other news

2007-09-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

Daddy-O and I just sawthe most amazing movie. Once. Mom you must go see this. It's probably at The Little Anyone who hasn't seen it go now. It's romantic, takes place in Dublin, it's indie, and it's a musical. Enjoy!

The "diet" Update

2007-09-13T11:08:00.001-07:00

Well, first of all just to be clear, we are not embarking on this diet to loose weight. Daddy-O and I are have often been referred to as "skinny." So, as much as I'd like to see some of that soggy baby belly evaporate, limiting my calories is not the way I plan to go about it. Not that I have a plan. Well I did plan to exercise, but now I have no time. More on that later.I am making this clear because there have been many folks concerned that I would be limiting my caloric intake while I was still nursing. That is NOT my plan.

So, how is the diet going? I have not had a terrible time with bad sugar cravings not as much as I had expected. I had one day that was a little difficult, but not too bad. I even refused plates and plates of brownies, lemon bars, muffins and biscotti at a women's Bible Study. Okay, so I confess there was one night this week that involved a night out with a friend and a glass of wine and there may have been some chocolate involved too, but how often do I get out without the babies?

Also, I am doing fine without the dairy, but I'm used to restricting my dairy intake. Several years ago I worked with my sister Jenni who is a holistic health counselor to help me with my menstruation issues including chronic terrible cramps. Limiting my dairy intake helped tremendously. Also, I have to say raw goat cheese, not so very tasty as a snack.

We are trying to eat fish because it is so healthy. Daddy-O and I are not big fans of fish. Daddy enjoyed the salmon I made last night. The two times we've had fish I was able to eat it , but I just don't see why people get so excited about it.

So what's the hard part? I am HUNGRY. I am HUNGRY all the time no matter how much I eat or snack on the allowed foods. So, I have decided to keep to the retricted foods for breakfast and dinner, but to eat healthy foods of greater variety for lunch and snacks to make sure that I eat enough. I think I really need to be able to eat some healthy grains in order to sustain my energy level and satiate my hunger during the middle of the day.

Also, it has been VERY challenging to cook 3 times a day every day and look after the babies. Really, how did my Grandma do this all the time? I cook myself breakfast (Daddy-O cooks his own) after I feed the girls. Then there's cleanup which is normal for breakfast around here. Then it's baby care and house care or errands. Eating lunch & cleanup.Then, I am usually planning menus and start cooking dinner during nap time. Clean up. Then I finish cooking dinner right around the time Daddy-O gets home. Clean up again. Put he girls to bed. Finish the dishes , make lunch for the next day do more dishes and then email or read for 20 minutes and go to bed. Grocery shopping happened last night from 8:30 to 9:30pm. I came home, cooked and then went to bed. Basically, all of my free time has been taken up with planing how to feed my family. I had gotten so used to being able to call Justin and have him pick up something for us to eat if I'd had a crazy day. Or even be able to just eat a peanut better and jelly sandwich and a salad at lunch if I had no time for anything else.

Oh, and I really should not be blogging right now. I should be starting dinner. Is it simply that I am used to this life of privilege and spare time? I mean should I be this stressed by cooking 3 meals a day or is it more a matter of my perspective?