Monday, February 22, 2010

Reminders or What the officer doesn't know

I must remind myself that when that officer gave me a $75 citation for accidentally speeding that he didn't know that I had just kept my girls out late and spent 3 hours comparison shopping to save $40 on baptismal dresses. I have to remind myself that that officer doesn't know he will trigger in me an episode of unpredictable proportions which will result in hours of crying and then possibly days of fighting off the very bad thing.

I have to remind myself that it is me and not the officer who is responsible for the 2 insane screaming outbursts at my children when we arrive home. I have to remind myself that I kept my children out late right up to the edge of reason. I have to remind myself that the officer didn't know I was getting them home just before meltdown set in. He didn't know my three year old was going to completely break down in 3,2,1....

I have to remind myself that I was speeding even if I didn't realize it. I have to remind myself that I am responsible for my reactions even when they spiral out of control and off the wall from chemicals in my brain and gut which form a tornado of emotion which makes it hard for me to choose a different response....but choose I must...or I'm just stuck here lookin' at my yellow paper with no plan to get up.


Karen said...

Fight it, babe. Fight it off and say it with me 100 times:
It is only money. It is only money. It is only money.
No one got harmed. You are all okay and it is only money.

Jenni said...

my dear sis, don't feel bad about being mad at the officer. officers make excellent targets for anger - with those shiny uniforms and all. it comes with the job, and they know it. sure, it's misplaced - but, whatever! it's a good outlet. you could write a letter.

last year brian got a ticket as he was on his way to rescue me from the OB office where they had cancelled my first postpartum appt after losing the baby. he was pissssssed. i got one a couple weeks later, speeding home after a therapy appointment while crying my eyes out. we paid the fines. life went on.

it happens. it's just a ticket. it's not an indictment of your choices. really, it isn't, it isn't, it isn't. xoxoxoxo

Catherine said...


I know.

I wish I saw you in real life sometimes. :(