Loosing control

I almost lost control of my car today. I was trying to switch to the right lane and I couldn't stear. The wheel fought back. It felt like we were stuck in something or even more like we were on something. The wheels made a strange whirring sound and then it sounded almost like I had a flat tire. I pulled into the gas station that was providentially just on my left. I was able to make that turn. I pulled into the station and stopped the car, got out and took a look. I saw nothing wrong, but what do I know anyway. I got back in and yelled at the innocent children who were demanding lunch and no no no! naps at home. The irrelavant demands ticked me off. I started the car again and drove around the gas station. I could only make left turns. Strangers stared as I clunked slowly and noisily around and around. Then the break peddle dropped under my feet. I coasted into an thankfully uphill parking spot and pulled the emergency break. Loosing the breaks wasn't too dramatic--thankfully.

I put stories on for the littles and called AAA and my husband and my photographer in that order. I was supposed to meet our friend for a photo session later that afternoon. Instead we were going to be getting a ride in a tow truck unless my husband could make it back out from Chicago before the tow truck got us. I cried at the woman at the AAA call center about my cranky hungry children who probably needed to pee and who are to little for me to walk all the way back home if I can't get a ride. I'm sorry AAA call center woman. Forty five minutes, 8 stories and one package of emergency cookies later the tow truck arrived and so did my husband.We are all safe at home now resting and waiting for the call from the mechanic.

This is not what I needed this week. It's the end of a very long two weeks of being on my own with the children. J's classes have been Tues, Thurs, Fri and Saturday the past two weeks. I know I am clunking around the house these days. I can't turn things around. I didn't loose my breaks on a hill...the peddle has just slowly dropped out from under my feet as I've been idling around. But this feeling has become normal and comfortable to me. Not comfortable like cozy pajamas, more like that constant ache in your shoulders that you forget is there until someone gives them a squeeze. This is just what living with depression sometimes feels like. I know what I have to do only getting there seems too far to walk especially with little people hanging on me all day. But J's school break is only a few weeks away now...we will make it with some divine providence and emergency cookies...