October

Fall is here. It's the beginning of the season I get what my mentor calls, "the seasons." In high school and college this manifested as uncontrollable weeping, having the blues, falling asleep at the dinner table, hiding in my room making art, insomnia, low energy and general malaise. Okay, this may even have lasted somewhat past college. It's the time when my normal depression levels up with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

As an adult now my depression is managed with good medical care, good friendships, professional counseling, fish oil, antidepressants, full spectrum light bulbs, vitamin D supplements, exercise and massage therapy. The truth is though that clinical depression isn't something that just goes away.

It lingers in the back of my mind. It lurks waiting for me to let get a hold of me for even a moment. If it starts there may be no turning back like flood waters bursting over a levy. So I have to keep the defences high, but there's this fine line for me; I do not like to pretend everything is fine when it is not. Yet, I have to train myself to look up, to see the silver lining and all the proverbial sunshine I can find. One thing depression has taught me--my hope is not found in myself. I can try and try to stay positive and eventually the other shoe comes crashing down on my head.

These days the shoe unfortunately bounces of my head and thunks down onto two smaller people before hitting the floor where I promptly try to shove it into a closet before they notice. That doesn't always work. Sometimes that closet door just won't shut in time and they get ahold of the shoe. Sometimes I slam the closet door shut too quickly and it bounces back open and smacks me in the face resulting in an untimely outburst which I hope my neighbors don't hear through the window. Outbursts I pray my children don't remember when they are 10 or 15 or 20. But, I'll be saving up for counseling for them just incase. They are safe with me, except I worry about those little hearts staring out at me through Big blue eyes. About the wounds I inflict without really knowing that I'm doing it. Or the ones that I am slowly scratching into them, wearing down the soft spots over the years.

So far this season has not been too bad, but it has been so cold & wet that we are already more house bound then I would like. I have already found myself on the edge of despairing feelings about what the winter will hold. If I am already wearing two pairs of socks, leg warmers, two shirts and a sweatshirt what will I do in February to stay warm? The lack of sunshine has me plugging in my full spectrum lightbulbs around the house. The children applauded this. Literally rose to their feet and shouted, "Yay mommy! Blue lightbulbs!" There really is nothing like a standing ovation to boost your mood.

So the blue lights shine up above my head as I write and I am trying not to do too much deep navel gazing even as I start to hunker down for winter.I daily try to remember all I have to be thankful for. And...

I lift up my eyes to the hills

where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalms 121