Good Mama, Real Mama, Expert Mama

I was just talking to a friend of mine who is a relatively new mom. She was asking my advice about sleep training her child. When I inquired about why she was considering this she told me that her pediatrician recommended it. I asked this mom how she thought her baby was sleeping. She informed me that she and the baby were both getting great sleep and she did not have a problem with nursing her baby to sleep and that her baby sometimes slept with her and she enjoyed that. So then I asked her why she would sleep train her child. Again, she answered because her pediatrician & some books she had read told her it would be good for her baby and that she might be harming her baby by the choices she was making.

I climbed up onto my soapbox and preached for a good 15 minutes not against sleep training and not against nursing your baby to sleep, but against the experts jumping in and uspurping a mother's right to make a decision. Information can be helpful, moralizing that information can be harmful. Every family has it's own culture. Haven't we learned that imposing the rules of one culture onto another will end in disaster? This young mom really felt that everything was going great and had no problem until the experts told her she had a problem.

I have fallen prey to 'experts' and to participating in the Mommywars, but I hate it! I have learned after working with dozens and dozens of families, having my own babies and having friends with babies now that there is no one formula that works for every family or even every child within a family. Even worse is that we moralize parenting choices that often have more to do with practicality or a choice more based on temperment, personality or even necessity.

We are so often made to feel insecure, wrong or bad for the parenting choices we make. If it's not one expert it's another. You can always find a book to support or totally deride your parenting decisions. The Mommywars don't help either...we are left isolated, disconnected. So we have found that we can connect with other moms through self deprication. It's easier then talking about what we do well because that might lead to a "hot topic" debate. Rebecca writes more about this here. She challenges us to talk about being good parents.

So here I go....

I love my daughters. I adore them. I let my house go to pot everyday because I prioritize them above almost everything else in my life. I don't spoil them; I set age appropriate limits, but I do dote on them. I have taught my toddler to eat vegetables again by rewarding her with tastey things that are not always chocolate. My two year old bites me because she is giving me love bites and "eating mommy up" not because she is angry. She knows not to bite the baby. She is learning to pretend bite mommy.

I can breastfeed, potty train, buckle a shoe and pack my diaper bag all at the same time. I can make my 4 month old laugh with just a head jiggle and my toddler laugh with any well placed peek-a-boo (even when she's mad). I pick my battles. No clothes for going out to church? Not okay. No clothes for playing chess at home with mommy? Okay!

Even though we live far from our family my two year old knows all her family members' names and can point them out in photographs. She occasionally will even talk to them on the phone nicely. Also, my two year old can correctly point out and name all the members of U2 in a photograph. I am aware that the baby is too young to do this, but she is currently studying up.

I am the expert on my own children. I know their limits. I know when they need to sleep and when they need to eat. I know that I can not go anywhere without a snack for Peanut...even down the block. I know that Sweetpea will not nap in the sling at Trader Joes because she loves people too much so she will be tired when we get home.

I know they are smart and beautiful and are amazing people. I know I am the perfect Mama for them and that they are just right for me. With Daddy-O are a family, and we are figuring eachother out and no 'expert' will be to tell us how to do that...we have to live with eachother everyday and every night to do that.

My sister wrote a wonderful and hilarious post about this so check out her sweet style mama skills in this news.

So you mommy experts, what makes you a great mom? Let me know and let Rebecca and Karen know too! Write a post or comment about it.