Loosing control

I almost lost control of my car today. I was trying to switch to the right lane and I couldn't stear. The wheel fought back. It felt like we were stuck in something or even more like we were on something. The wheels made a strange whirring sound and then it sounded almost like I had a flat tire. I pulled into the gas station that was providentially just on my left. I was able to make that turn. I pulled into the station and stopped the car, got out and took a look. I saw nothing wrong, but what do I know anyway. I got back in and yelled at the innocent children who were demanding lunch and no no no! naps at home. The irrelavant demands ticked me off. I started the car again and drove around the gas station. I could only make left turns. Strangers stared as I clunked slowly and noisily around and around. Then the break peddle dropped under my feet. I coasted into an thankfully uphill parking spot and pulled the emergency break. Loosing the breaks wasn't too dramatic--thankfully.

I put stories on for the littles and called AAA and my husband and my photographer in that order. I was supposed to meet our friend for a photo session later that afternoon. Instead we were going to be getting a ride in a tow truck unless my husband could make it back out from Chicago before the tow truck got us. I cried at the woman at the AAA call center about my cranky hungry children who probably needed to pee and who are to little for me to walk all the way back home if I can't get a ride. I'm sorry AAA call center woman. Forty five minutes, 8 stories and one package of emergency cookies later the tow truck arrived and so did my husband.We are all safe at home now resting and waiting for the call from the mechanic.

This is not what I needed this week. It's the end of a very long two weeks of being on my own with the children. J's classes have been Tues, Thurs, Fri and Saturday the past two weeks. I know I am clunking around the house these days. I can't turn things around. I didn't loose my breaks on a hill...the peddle has just slowly dropped out from under my feet as I've been idling around. But this feeling has become normal and comfortable to me. Not comfortable like cozy pajamas, more like that constant ache in your shoulders that you forget is there until someone gives them a squeeze. This is just what living with depression sometimes feels like. I know what I have to do only getting there seems too far to walk especially with little people hanging on me all day. But J's school break is only a few weeks away now...we will make it with some divine providence and emergency cookies...

October

Fall is here. It's the beginning of the season I get what my mentor calls, "the seasons." In high school and college this manifested as uncontrollable weeping, having the blues, falling asleep at the dinner table, hiding in my room making art, insomnia, low energy and general malaise. Okay, this may even have lasted somewhat past college. It's the time when my normal depression levels up with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

As an adult now my depression is managed with good medical care, good friendships, professional counseling, fish oil, antidepressants, full spectrum light bulbs, vitamin D supplements, exercise and massage therapy. The truth is though that clinical depression isn't something that just goes away.

It lingers in the back of my mind. It lurks waiting for me to let get a hold of me for even a moment. If it starts there may be no turning back like flood waters bursting over a levy. So I have to keep the defences high, but there's this fine line for me; I do not like to pretend everything is fine when it is not. Yet, I have to train myself to look up, to see the silver lining and all the proverbial sunshine I can find. One thing depression has taught me--my hope is not found in myself. I can try and try to stay positive and eventually the other shoe comes crashing down on my head.

These days the shoe unfortunately bounces of my head and thunks down onto two smaller people before hitting the floor where I promptly try to shove it into a closet before they notice. That doesn't always work. Sometimes that closet door just won't shut in time and they get ahold of the shoe. Sometimes I slam the closet door shut too quickly and it bounces back open and smacks me in the face resulting in an untimely outburst which I hope my neighbors don't hear through the window. Outbursts I pray my children don't remember when they are 10 or 15 or 20. But, I'll be saving up for counseling for them just incase. They are safe with me, except I worry about those little hearts staring out at me through Big blue eyes. About the wounds I inflict without really knowing that I'm doing it. Or the ones that I am slowly scratching into them, wearing down the soft spots over the years.

So far this season has not been too bad, but it has been so cold & wet that we are already more house bound then I would like. I have already found myself on the edge of despairing feelings about what the winter will hold. If I am already wearing two pairs of socks, leg warmers, two shirts and a sweatshirt what will I do in February to stay warm? The lack of sunshine has me plugging in my full spectrum lightbulbs around the house. The children applauded this. Literally rose to their feet and shouted, "Yay mommy! Blue lightbulbs!" There really is nothing like a standing ovation to boost your mood.

So the blue lights shine up above my head as I write and I am trying not to do too much deep navel gazing even as I start to hunker down for winter.I daily try to remember all I have to be thankful for. And...

I lift up my eyes to the hills

where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalms 121

Feeding the World Together

There's a t-shirt I wear and it says, "Feed my starving children." Some people mistake this for a joke about being a harried mom with kids who are always hungry. I always get comments on the shirt. It's a conversation starter which is great because it gives me a chance to tell them about the awesome place where I bought the shirt.

I know most of us busy trying to figure out how in the world to get our own dinner on the table while little ones hang on our hips, but I want to take a moment to think a little bigger.

There is a wonderful organization in Aurora called Feed My Starving Children. This organization hosts groups of volunteers who come assemble and pack simple nutritious meals that get sent to malnourished children around the globe.

What kind of food do volunteers pack?

Each FMSC meal provides the key nutrients a starving child needs to survive and thrive:

1. Rice- the most widely accepted grain around the world

2. Extruded soy nuggets- maximum protein at a low cost

3. 20 vitamins and minerals(with vegetarian chicken flavor) - nutrition & flavor

4. Dehydrated vegetables- nutrition & flavor

• Preparation:Just cook with boiling water.• Cost:each meal costs only 17 cents to produce.

94% of donations go directly to the feeding program. How do they do that? Volunteers pack 100% of the food. It's really a terrific idea. They have a small staff and rely on volunteers and that keeps the money going directly to the service they provide.

The other great thing about volunteering for FMSC is that it's fun. It's simple. You are busy the whole time. You have a specific task. You can chat with friends while you do your task and the time flies. Before you know it you have packed hundreds of food packets for children in need.

Would you like to try it out? You can call FMSC and sign up yourself or better yet a group together through your church, bookclub or family. Some children we know have had their birthday parties at FMSC.

Not sure you want to organize a group? How about tagging along this weekend? My church happens to be going and we are trying to get 180 volunteers to come along! We'd love to have you join us. We are a pretty ragtag bunch of people, but we're also alot of fun. Here's your invitation if you'd like to give FMSC a try. There is no obligation to attend our church or anything like that--we are just looking for people who want to help out and have a fun time with new friends in our community for the day. Here's your very own invitation!

My best friend

This is a post that I wanted to get up in time for her birthday, but I never do anything on time. So better late then never!

My best friend is an amazing woman. Maybe you've seen her. She'd have been that tall beautiful woman in sensible, but stylish shoes, fetching jewelry, a trendy skirt, with an adorable handmade shoulder bag and holding two children.


Everything she sets her hands or mind to she does with excellence. Well, except making grilled cheese. She always burns grilled cheese. She engages in parenting her two children with thoughtfulness, care and love and happens to look good doing it. She's got an aura of fruition and good luck around her. I've never met her someplace where she didn't get the best parking spot while I had to walk 4 miles to the front door. If you get separated from her on a highway you are sure to find her even if she doesn't have her cell phone. If there is a right tool for the job she probably has it.

Also, she operates in her own time zone. If it takes me 40 minutes to do a task it only take her about 10 minutes. For example when camping with her she will leave with the 4 children and come back with them all successfully toileted and washed in the time it takes me to find my flashlight.

Wait, stop. You normal average mothers out there are probably hating her right about now. That is not the point of this post. Don't forget...she burns grilled cheese...and rumor has it pancakes too.

She is a truly amazing friend. She has sacrificed her time, her convenience, her money and all of her Mango Ceylon tea on my behalf. She always asks the right questions. You know the ones that make me cry when I need to. She also makes me laugh like crazy! How many people would let you take a picture of them on an old fashioned latrine pretending to 'go'?

We had our first daughters only two weeks apart. The girls are best friends to this day and they will be turning five this winter. We had our second daughters two months apart (her youngest calls my girls her "sisters"). Our families have been intertwined during these transformational years of becoming new parents. These friendships are lifelong. She challenges my ideas about parenting, the environment, food, my health, my marriage, friendships, faith and all without judging me. I promise I am not saying she is perfect. She puts fake flavored creamer in her coffee!

When I go to her house it's like a dream world. My children run off and play with their best friends and all the awesome wooden toys in the house. I eat amazing vegetarian meals, drink raw milk, eat homemade yogurt, practice my knitting, drink tea and have the comfort of the very best friend in the world.

There are only two things about her I can't quite understand: her passion for all things salty and also her love of gummy candy. I can forgive her for not likely red wine with chocolate because she is so wonderful in other ways. However, my biggest grudge against her is that she lives 4 hours away now and I can't see her 4 times a week like I was used to. I miss her. I even miss her grilled cheese.

I love you Kati!

I'm just sayin'....

Maybe they aren't ready for a pet...

This was the temporary habitat for the cricket we caught. In his jar I found: toilet paper, a cranberry, a cashew and a plastic dinosaur....Oh and can you guess who decorated the jar? Yup, Peanut, who I am thinking of renaming Magpie since she collects anything and everything shiny.

Yes, "Crickey" is hiding in there.

Then again, maybe they really are ready for a pet...
Apparently, "Crickey" was cold and needed some blankies. Plus, he got hungry and needed a couple of snacks. Then of course he needed a toy.

Mama decided what he needed was a real habitat:

Now we have a very happy cricket and a very happy little girl. Although she tells me she still wants a squirrel, bunny or kitty or puppy that she can cuddle in her bed. I don't blame her one bit. We're testing the pet waters....

Sweetest Things

Sweetpea loves to sing. Everywhere we go she sings. She listens to the lyrics in songs and picks them up quickly. She loves hearing words she recognizes. It's awesome to hear her sing "Beautiful Day" She even sings, "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...."

Sweetpea telling me that Crickey (our pet cricket) sang her to sleep. "My Crickey cricked! So I could sleep. He sing, "Twinkle twinkle, little star..."

With Beatles Rockband playing around our house an awful lot lately she's picked up on several Beatles songs with Yellow Submarine being her favorite. Sweetpea says, "I wanna play rockband! I wanna sing Lellow Submaween!" She does a great job actually.She has also been singing "Eight Days a Week" with some regularity. You'll just hear her singing to herself as she plays, "Hold me, love me, hold me, love me..."

One night after I complimented her on singing this lovely ballad she said to us, "I will ask Jesus to hold me love me." Still our insatiable cuddle bug this song suits her well.

She has started to show more independence, "NO! I do it! more stubborness, "No! I'm not done with this!" and more desire to separate from Mommy, "Go away. I don't like you." All of this mixed with a good bag of crazy three year old behavior.

Sweetpea: "I can't find my purse Mommy."
Mommy: "Oh, I don't know where it is. Where did play with it Sweetpea? "
Sweetpea Angrily, "I CAN'T FIND MY PURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mommy: *backs away*

She is getting close to age three. Three. The year that my relationship with Peanut became so difficult, challenging and strained. In some ways I am dreading this upcoming year and it is already starting. She takes what feels like hours to complete one simple task like getting out of the car because she is so fiercely independent. Plus she does those insane three year old things like, "I need to go potty! Come with me Mommy." Okay, here we go Sweetpea. And then suddenly, "NO! I no go potty!!!"

She has been screaming as a response to many things that upset her. Not usually even screaming words, just shrieking. I try to remind her to use her words and talk to me and Juliette so we can work it out. I often find myself singing, "We can work it out, we can work it out..." in the hopes of getting her attention. She does eventually calm down enough to squeeze out these words through her tears, "I am so SO sad!" Then I follow up with I hear you Sweetpea. I hear your words. We can work it out. I will be here waiting to hold you and love you once you figure out what you want.

Probably not worth it

So I went to Ultra Foods yesterday hoping to save that up to 30% over regular grocery stores. My children were well behaved for about the 5 minutes their juice boxes and snack lasted. Then they were climbing incessantly in and out of the car cart. They were taking things off the shelves, pushing eachother, pulling hair, climbing on displays and screaming. Some days are just like that at the store. They are not good shoppers as a rule. Somehow we made it through the winding aisles with our cart filled up to the check out line. One of two that were open. One was the express aisle the other was the lane I stood in. The woman in front of us had a 10 minute conversation about the cereal she was purchasing which really wasn't for her while the cashier stood and read the ingredients on the box.

While I tried to wait patiently for the cashier to VERY slowly scan our items my 4 year old told my two year old she was covered in some kind of imaginary goo and that the goo was even in her mouth. At that the 2 year old cried, screamed and thrashed about as if really indeed covered in some kind of smothering goo. The cashier at this point stopped scanning items to watch the children. "They just need to get out of here." I said. The cashier handed them each an orange "Ultra Foods" sticker (gee thanks) and went back to slowly scanning our items.

As I bagged our items I let the girls out of the cart. They climbed the window displays and ran into old ladies with their shopping carts. They pushed and pulled eachother. I did everything I could to stop them...you know everything socially acceptable to stop them. Finally, after about the 10th time out in the store I very quickly swooped them each of them up and then pretty much dropped them down at my feet. I then blocked them in next to me with the cart. I recieved many many horrified glares and stares. My cheeks red with anger and embarrasement I quickly finished bagging. Handed them each the smoothy I'd bought them for lunch. Loaded the cart and we walked out. We made it to the car where I had no idea what to even do with them. Peanut thought it was all very amusing. I assured her it was not.

Peanut said we should probably never go back to that crazy grocery store again. I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to show my face there again.